YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I held myself back from mentioning anything election-related all these months, but I'm too excited to not do so now! I am thrilled and definitely wishing I were home right now!!!!! Yay for America! :)

A White Halloween?

I thought that only in Canada could it snow before Halloween...but Jess and Sarah got snow today too! I fully agree with Sarah...why in the world is it snowing already?? I'm already popping out of my winter coat, but I was hoping I would have had a little longer till I had to go buy a new one. While I do enjoy the magic of the first snow, I hate winter in general. I used to hate winter when I lived in the South too, but that type of weather is actually known as fall here! So you can imagine how not so thrilled I am that winter has gotten a nice head start already.

I'm very slowly catching up on my blog reading and commenting...I apologize if I haven't dropped by your blog in a long time. While I am thankfully feeling significantly better than before, I still have yucky moments and am generally tired most of the time. But I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I've been eating real foods, which is thrilling. I still can't stand any ethnic food (which wouldn't matter if we weren't "ethnic" ourselves :), but I am tolerating blander, less spicy foods pretty well. And I'm finally on the positive side for weight gain! I'm now at +1 lbs - I finally regained the weight I had lost early on. All the books suggest that weight gain prior to 20 weeks for a twin pregnancy is what's most important...so I have 6 weeks in which to try to gain a lot of weight. :)

Could It Be...2nd Trimester??

Today, something amazing happened.

I cooked.

From scratch.

With raw meat!

I am still in shock. And that better be the best chicken pot pie ever, because I will be sorely disappointed if it's not after all the effort I put into it.

I haven't cooked in three months. Not real cooking anyway. No desire to eat, combined with newly found olfactory abilities that could rival a search dogs, combined with persistent back-pain and general not-feeling-well led to...DH cooking. If it can be called that (if you're reading this, I love you and appreciate all your efforts btw!!). Actually, for the most part, we've been getting take out and eating ready-made type foods.

I've been going through a "food of the week" phenomenon...each week there's something that I like and can tolerate, and it's the only thing I can stomach. I eat it for about a week, and then, without warning, suddenly it becomes as disgusting as everything else. Early on while I was still visiting my family, it was baked potatoes. But only baked potatoes from Wendy's. I was happy, because there's a Wendy's not far from our place. Except that by the time I got back to Canada, I couldn't stand them anymore. Then it was pizza, but that only lasted for a few days. I can't remember the weeks after that...who knows what I was eating then. A couple of weeks ago it was pizza buns/frozen pizza pockets. Last week it was Kraft macaroni and cheese. Yes, it's been a very healthy pregnancy so far.

This week, I thought the food of the week might be pierogies...but I got incredibly bloated after the first time I had them, so I guess that's not happening.

And today, miraculously, I wanted real food! Not just carbs that come out of a cardboard box or the freezer.

I somehow managed to defrost, cut, and cook the chicken without ever touching it. Impressive, I know.

I'm wondering...could this be the dawn of the 2nd trimester?? I have been praying for some reprieve from my aversion to food and crazy eating habits. I sincerely hope it's coming, along with my pot pie!

Still Infertile

I'm a bad girl. And a mean person.

I'm so glad DH is not home so I can write this and get it off my mind in peace.

Today DH and a few of his good friends got together for lunch. You know how you have circles of friends, or different sets of friends? This is one of our sets of friends, and while the guys are close, I'm not especially close to their wives.

So he calls me, on his way to pick me up (since I'm out with a different group of friends, ie, not the wives of these guys), and says guess what, I have good news. And I knew what that meant. Since they're all married. Obviously the next good news is baby.

So this girl is due about a week before me. And I'm...I don't even know what. I can't even express how I felt when I heard the news. What is wrong with me?? I forced myself to call her as soon as I got home and left a fakely happy voice mail for her. I'm dreading the conversation in which I have to commiserate with pregnancy symptoms and be over-excited with her.

I'm obviously happy for them, because I have nothing against them, and they're generally nice people. Okay fine. DH and her husband are good friends, but I could never quite hit it off with her. I usually get along with everybody, ie, I have no trouble getting along with anyone. She just comes off as kind of snobby, and that's a little hard for me to deal with. But I don't have any real issues or anything, because, I just don't have issues with people.

So ya, at a logical level I'm happy for them, because, well, that is the normal reaction.

But it's like, I'm annoyed. Almost angry. Why can she just up and get pregnant so easily? She's younger than me and has been married half as long as I have. And now they're sharing u/s videos on cell phones - that's how her husband broke the news. And being excited and announcing their good news to everyone. And taking childbirth classes. And openly complaining about morning sickness.

DH says, now you can share all your pregnancy stuff with her, since our due dates are so close. And I'm thinking, I don't want to share anything with her! How can she possibly understand how I feel about this pregnancy? How can she relate to all those months and months that have shaped and contributed to who I am now and what this pregnancy means to me?

Why is it so easy for everyone else? Not everyone else, because I know you guys understand, and it hasn't been easy for many of you. But it's so easy for those people to get pregnant and plan it and have it happen whenever they want, while we go through month after month of disappointment. Then they can share their news and be excited, while even after we do get pregnant, we sit here deathly afraid of miscarriage, or pre-term labor, or pre-e, or a million other things. I'm too afraid to let anyone know I'm pregnant for fear of all those what ifs.

Once infertile, always infertile, huh? I've heard so many other IF-ers say that it doesn't change after you get pregnant. I still feel completely out of place and like I don't belong with all those other pregnant people.

1st Trip to ER + 1st OB Appt

I'm sorry I've been such a bad blogger. :(
You guys are the best, and I am in tears over your concern and sweet comments.

The summary version of this is, everything is fine. Babies are fine and so am I. Both trips were uneventful and boring, which is a good thing. I still feel sick/tired/back pain and the latest symptom of headaches, so it's been hard to sit at the computer to blog after having been in class all day too.

The long version:

After the super pain of Thursday continued into Friday, I tried to reach the OB's office all day, couldn't get through. Called the fertility clinic out of desperation, they said to go to the ER. So we packed up and went to the ER for our Friday date night. :)

Blood tests, urine tests, physical exam, all looked fine. No cause or reason found for the pains at all. We got to see the babies on an u/s, and we saw their heartbeats looked fine, and that is all I needed to know to be able to breathe easier. DH was also relieved, but he seems to be more impacted by the fact that one of the babies "was like, doing BACKFLIPS!" :)

I did nothing all weekend long, and the cramping went down considerably. Monday I had my first OB appointment. Thankfully, I had read a bunch of reviews of this doctor online, so I was prepared. As my family doctor (whose daughter-in-law had the same OB said) said, "great doctor, but she has no personality." I made sure I had all my questions answered, but it was definitely a very cut and dry appointment, and later I realized, she didn't actually tell me anything of her own accord - any information I got out of the appointment was from my own questions. So I'm not thrilled with her, but everyone says she's a good doctor, and I'm not sure if I have any choice, to be honest. I feel strongly about seeing a female physician, and she's the only high-risk female OB that the fertility clinic recommended. The clinic said I don't need to start with a high-risk OB, but I might need to switch to one, so I might as well just get started with her.

One thing I am slightly concerned about is the huge number of u/s. I know most people are thrilled to see their babies, and trust me, I am too, but I've already had 4 u/s, and the OB said I will have one at every appt, which is every 3 weeks! It's still a form of radiation, isn't it? It just seems like it's overkill.

Other than that, all is well. Cramping is pretty much gone, and that is a big relief. I'm using heat for my back and starting prenatal yoga tomorrow, so hopefully both will help. I've had a bad headache every single evening, and I never get headaches, but I know it's because I had to cram in a lot of studying all at once since I did nothing all weekend. So hopefully this subsides on its own.

I've had so many blog posts in my mind, because while it may seem like I am consumed with nausea, vomiting, running to the bathroom, sleeping, and pain, I do have a lot more going through my mind right now...:) It's just that all of the above are making it hard to sit down at the computer and reflect.

I hope you all are doing well. I will slowly try to catch up with everyone this weekend. Thanks for being so awesome, as always. : )

Scared

Hello blogging friends. I'm still alive. Just exhausted. And sick. And overwhelmed.

So many thoughts have been going through my mind that they've all ended up jumbled up together, in an un-bloggable state. Too mixed up and messy to sort through and make coherent.

Today things are pretty straightforward and clear though. I'm scared.

I've been having lower back pain for the last few weeks, brought on by sleeping inclined to try to reduce the pain of acid reflux and awful nausea upon waking up. I had been applying a hot water bag to my back, mentioned it in passing at a gathering to my only IRL friend who knows I'm pregnant, who looked at me with big eyes and mouthed, "NO." This was on Monday night.

So no heat therapy on Monday or Tuesday, was out for 12+ hours on Tuesday, first time did something like that after knowing I'm pregnant, huge mistake. In crippling pain on Wednesday, google what to do for back pain, resort to heating pad again. Go out for about 3 hours last night, thinking all is well. Return home, joined by the return of the severe pain.

This morning the pain was back in its severe form, this time accompanied by occasional sharp pains on both sides of my lower abdomen. Passed it off to gas/bloating/constipation due to my poor eating habits of late. During my usual morning blog perusal, somehow stumble upon an article that lists three signs of miscarriage: bleeding (which I have had none of), uterine cramps, lower back pain.

Well, as it was, after my friend said her doctor said no heat for pain whatsoever, I had already been panicking about how I must have hurt my babies, but after today, I was sure. I'm trying to be positive. But I'm scared now and don't know what to do. I called the OB's office (I haven't been there yet, first appointment is next Monday), but no one answered. The fertility clinic closes early, so there was no point calling them.

The back pain is literally crippling...as in without heat, I can hardly move. I do have a previous history of back issues, so it's not really a surprise, but it is odd that it hasn't gone away with a change in sleeping position and heat therapy for about 3 weeks.

I'm scared. I know I have to place my trust in God, and I do, but I'm still scared and can't stop thinking about what if my babies aren't ok??

The Pregnancy Diet

First Picture

The ultrasound images weren't very clear at all, but I'm happy to have something to look at...suddenly it all seems so much more real.

Thank You God

Just got back from the clinic. I had made myself physically ill with worry the last few days and felt especially awful this morning.

Thank God...HUGE sigh of relief.

Baby A: 8w6d, heartbeat 176
Baby B: 8w5d, heartbeat 172

Will update later with pictures and details. I'm going to go nap now; I think I can finally sleep peacefully.

Thank you all SO much for your support. I'm so touched by all of you who came and checked in on me in the last three weeks and even remembered today was our big day. I don't even know how to explain how much it means to me. Thank you. :)

8 Days a Week

It's been an 8-day week for us, a whirlwind of 8 days which have brought so much change to our lives, yet have gone by so slowly as well. I feel as though I have experienced every minute of these 8 days...it feels like far more than 8 days have gone past.

I took the advice of the majority of you and decided to not go in for the ultrasound today. My mom told me, if I were in Canada now, I wouldn't be having an u/s, so why bother getting an extra one today. I agreed. I called at 10am to cancel the appointment.

At 12:45pm (I happen to know the exact time because I was looking at the clock, waiting for my online class to start back up), I had a sudden very sharp pain in my lower stomach region. I ran to the bathroom, thinking that perhaps it was one of those crazy weirdo gas problems. As soon as I got there, the pain got even more intense, and I ran back out to lie on my bed. The pain was getting stronger and sharper, spreading from what I assumed was my uterus all the way up through my stomach, up to my chest. I could neither lie down nor sit up, nor could I find any sort of position that alleviated the pain. I writhed and moaned in pain for 15 minutes, praying to God to protect my baby and me, frightened to death about what could be happening. Was this the beginning signs of an ectopic? Was my body going through a miscarriage?

My parents (who are both physicians too, sure comes in handy :) said to see if I could go in for the u/s, and thankfully the original time slot was available. By the time of the u/s, the pain had significantly subsided into a dull ache.

The u/s tech said, "This is a Clomid pregnancy? Likely you had a nasty cyst." Apparently I had developed a large cyst (no way to know how large) that had ruptured - this was the cause of that unbearable pain. And the u/s showed that my cramping from last week was likely due to other smaller cysts that had ruptured. I have one more that is 3.5cm which we hope will just dissolve but could rupture - the tech said this one is much smaller than the one that ruptured today would have been.

At this point, honestly, I was so incredibly thankful that I wasn't having a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, that I didn't care about much else. But I am pregnant (ahhhh!!!), and I was having an u/s, so obviously we had to look at the uterus too.

And this is what we saw.


It's not a great picture, since it's a picture of a picture, and I forgot to turn the flash off...but I think it's still pretty clear. :)

So, like I said, it's been some 8 days for us. We are thrilled, but of course we are still very cautious...it's incredibly early. One baby measured 4 weeks 5 days, and the other measured 4 weeks 4 days. It's still too early for a heartbeat, and the gestational sacs themselves are so small (about 2 mm) that the u/s tech couldn't see inside them.

Now we wait patiently for Sept. 18th - the 8 week u/s at the fertility clinic back home. I know anything can happen between now and then, and even after then, but I'm so incredibly thankful that so far all is going well, and we've been blessed by two babies, which we pray will stick with us for the next 9 months.

Again, I'm so touched by all your support and comments, especially in light of my inability to return any comments right now. I'm with my family now (who are spoiling me rotten!), and I likely won't be back online until I return home mid-September. In the meantime, I will miss reading your blogs, but I look forward to catching up with everyone when I get back. Thanks so much for your prayers, thoughts, and support. :)

Betas, Take Two

Beta hcg: 1968
at 17 DPO

Progesterone wasn't repeated because it was fine at the previous check.

The office said that they would now schedule me for an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy isn't ectopic - this is their routine procedure. But my fertility clinic said they don't do an u/s until 7-8 weeks. Everything I'm having done here is out of pocket...what do you guys think? Is this 5 week u/s necessary or a good idea? My parents are willing to pay for everything, but I think I'd rather save that money, as future baby expenses are suddenly closer than I had imagined!

I feel...in shock. As I did last Sunday morning, when that second line showed up. After the positive pee-stick, I was thrilled, but cautious. After Tuesday's betas, I was relieved, but still waiting. Now...it's real! And I can hardly believe it...

I've spent so long learning how to get pregnant, that I pushed the idea of being pregnant far out of my mind. Yesterday I was asking DH to see if he could find the pregnancy workout DVDs I bought...last January - yes, January 2007. You see, in the beginning, I thought about pregnancy and labor and babies and raising kids all the time, because, of course, I was about to become a mom the day we started TTC-ing! When it didn't happen, and failure was repeatedly followed by failure, a year and a half later, I had completely pushed out all thoughts of pregnancy, let alone babies and child-rearing.

All this week, I've just kind of pretended like nothing was happening. I tried to avoid sushi, but then all my friends became suspicious, so I went with them anyway and had a cooked roll (then immediately felt guilty about the teeny, tiny, minute possiblity of cross-contamination). But other than that, unlike the old me, I haven't been reading and googling every single thing about pregnancy...because I just wasn't ready to believe until now.

I'm still cautious, because I know anything can happen, and the risk of miscarriage is still pretty high until 12 weeks, but I can no longer pretend like I'm not sure that I'm pregnant. Because for now, I am...that p word that I can't even imagine I'm saying in reference to me! I'm pregnant, thanks be to God.

Betas, Take One

Beta hcg: 657
Progesterone: 52.4
at 15 DPO

This is good, right? I'm not sure what's considered good...I think what's more important is that the numbers double every two days? I just had my second draws today, so we'll be able to see if the numbers are doubling properly or not tomorrow. I got to speak to the nurse as well, and she said cramping is very normal in early pregnancy, so I am breathing much easier now. I just got really nervous about it, because it kept feeling like I was about to get my period. But thank you all for putting my mind at ease, that this is indeed normal.

After tomorrow, I'll hopefully be able to relax even more. Thank you all for your support. :) Forgive me for not being able to visit each of your blogs; I hadn't planned to blog at all while at home, but then there was a turn of events, which I couldn't wait for a whole month to post. :)

Just Around the Corner

Yesterday my mom was driving me home from my eye appointment, since moms are cool and love to take care of you when you go home [well...mine does at least...but I know not everyone's may be cool like that :( ]. As we were turning into our subdivision, she said, "It's so interesting looking at the faces of people who are waiting to turn onto the main road...their faces are so stressed, they're just waiting for their turn and feeling stressed."

How true it is. We've all been waiting and waiting, waiting for our turn to get onto that road. While we wait, we wait in agony, we wait in the stress of the unknown. We don't know when our turn will come, and we don't know what's around the bend in the road when we do finally make our way onto it.

We are so very thankful to God for our BFP on Sunday morning...I've never had a positive HPT (heck, I even used to get excited about OPKs, since I'd never seen two lines on a peestick in my life!). Just getting a positive HPT is a huge breakthrough for us.

But I'm also nervous - I've been cramping since last week (which is why I was so sure I'd be getting my period on Sunday), and I'm out of Canada and have no insurance here. I don't know what's around the corner for me. I went in for my betas today and am anxiously waiting for the call from the doctor's office tomorrow (but not so anxiously waiting for my bill).

I'm overwhelmed by your comments and so grateful to all of you who have dropped by and congratulated us...I had no idea that many people were even reading me! Thank you so much for your support...please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we wait for the betas to come back tomorrow.

The Blog Post That Finally Happened

25 OPKs + 10 HPTs value pack = $21.95

Pre-Seed Multi-use Tube + Pre Lube Tube = $33.98

5 day prescription of 100mg Clomid = $21.82

[all of the above just ordered, still shrink-wrapped and untouched]

Changing my flight to return at a later date = $350





= PRICELESS

A "Disease" I'd Be Happy to Catch

see more pwn and owned pictures

I'm still Alive, Thanks :)

In the two weeks since I last posted, I've had a million and one blog posts composed in my mind that never quite made it to being published (or even typed up). Things have been a little hectic; there's so much to say, and yet it's all a big jumble now. Under normal circumstances I would have been typing away through this whole time, so everything wouldn't be so confused and mixed up in my mind now.

So this will be an update post, an explanation of sorts for my absence.

Two weekends ago, I developed an eye infection that stubbornly refused to go away till a couple of days ago. I did my best to keep up with your posts, and I tried to comment, but when my eyes were hurting too much, I just stopped and marked all those posts in Google Reader as read....it was a great sense of guilt accompanied by relief. :) So if I didn't make it around to commenting on your blog, please forgive me.

Now my eyes are better, from the infection at least, but I've been practically living at my in-laws the last few days getting ready for my SIL's engagement party tomorrow...leaving little time for blogging. Wish us luck that all goes well and my cooking is edible and appreciated.

Today my eyes hurt again, but that's because I've been drowning in tears, angry tears, sad tears, painful tears, tears that make no sense to me, all yesterday and today. I know it's all just the stupid Clomid, but the way it makes you feel is so painful, and that pain you feel is real. Previously I had been jumping back and forth from Jekyll to Hyde, but I feel like in the last few days I've been propelled downward into Hyde-ness - and it's not a pretty sight. I'm scared to even think of what next month's 100mg will turn me into.

Sunday I'm going home. Yay! An escape from being surrounded by babies and pregnant women and those insidious little comments and hints on when I may be joining their ranks. Unfortunately, though almost every single one of you advised me to go and stay my full three weeks, my guilt conscience couldn't let me skip the next cycle...so I'm going for 10 days. Half as long as usual, but better than nothing.

I probably will not be able to blog or even read your blogs while I'm gone, as I do not want to be "discovered" while at home. :) So it'll be another long absence, in which you all will be missed. I'll do my best to catch up when I return - "see" you when I get back! :)

One Word Meme - Post #50!

Tagged by Echloe. I like these nice, short memes. :)
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others.

1. Where is your cell phone? None

2. Your significant other? DH

3. Your hair? Long

4. Your mother? Awesome

5. Your father? Phenomenal

6. Your favorite thing? Chocolate

7. Your dream last night? Weird

8. Your favorite drink? Water

9. Your dream/goal? Motherhood

10. The room you're in? Dining

11. Your hobby? Sewing

12. Your fear? Childlessness

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? USA

14. What you're not? Mean

15. Muffins? Bran

16. One of your wish list items? WiiFit

17. Where you grew up? South

18. The last thing you did? Prayed

19. What are you wearing? PJs

20. Favorite Gadget? MagicBullet

21. Your pet? None

22. Your computer? Dying

23. Your mood? Hormonal

24. Missing someone? Family

25. Your car? None

26. Something you are not wearing? Contacts

27. Favorite Store? Kohls

28. Like someone? Yes

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. Last time you cried? Monday

Tagging Mandy, Bobby, Gibson Twins, and My Infertility Diaries.

New Look, New Hopes

In the spirit of renewing my hopes for this cycle (and the ones to follow...but hopefully there won't be any, since hopefully this is the one! :), I've brightened up my blog. I never intended to stay with the black layout, I just got lazy and forgot all about it. But I realized that it's time to step up and start doing things, no matter how small, to help me continue to stay energized and optimistic. So, what do you guys think? :)

I'm also taking steps on a new look for me. I finally joined SparkPeople, and their tracking system is awesome. It helps a lot to track my food and exercise throughout the day to see how I'm doing. There's just something about being able to see your progress - I know I won't be shedding any pounds right away, so just seeing the calories I'm burning is motivating. I've gone to the gym every day that I could in the last two weeks, and I plan to continue.

In the midst of the renewed hope and optimism that is me, I'm still battling the Clomid monster that has set up shop in my body. I don't think I ever understood before when people would talk about depression or mood swings being out of their control, but now I finally do. When the mood strikes, it strikes hard and fast - out of nowhere, I'll get very angry, or I'll feel very upset and hopeless. It's frustrating because it seems like it is out of my control - I know it's happening, but I can't do anything to stop it.

I'm hoping that doing things to keep myself upbeat and finally taking care of my body will help me to fight off the mood swings. And if it means having a chance to have a baby, I'll gladly continue fighting them off for a few more months.

Feeling Better

Just got back from the clinic...ladies, thank you SO much for your help and advice! I was pleased with how today's appointment went, much better than last time in which I was told that nothing was wrong and I should just keep having sex. Since I'm sure that none of us TTC-ing have thought of that yet, right? :)

What a difference it makes to have all your questions/concerns clearly written out...which I could do, thanks to everyone's suggestions to me.

Basically, the plan is to move up to 100mg Clomid for my third and final month of Clomid. The doctor said that may help stimulate more than one follicle, since it seems like only one was stimulated this time. She said that the hot flashes and mood swings will definitely intensify, but DH and I agreed we'd be willing to risk that (poor him...he bears the brunt of both!).

She answered all my questions, and we have a pretty clear plan to move on to IUI with injectables if we haven't gotten pregnant on our own by that time.

I asked her about a post-coital test, since some of you suggested that, and she said none of the doctors in Canada do that anymore, because basically there is no point - our next step is IUI anyway, so even if my cervical environment is not friendly, it doesn't matter.

That said, I did ask her for alternatives to pre-seed for the next two months while I'm still on Clomid, since that stuff is not very economical at all! And she suggested...raw egg whites. Um, ya...sounds kinda gross. I have read about this before, but I didn't think people actually did it. Have any of you tried this before?? Or do you have any other ideas for pre-seed alternatives?

I'm feeling more optimistic than before...I had been feeling really down in the dumps since AF came this time, doom and gloom, what if it never happens...you know the routine. Having a clear plan definitely helps. And there's always a certain excitement about TTC-ing as O time approaches...;)

Back to the Clinic

First, I'd like to thank you all for your input and suggestions on whether I should take the month off TTC or not...sounds like everyone is encouraging me to take a vacation! :) Since I like avoiding decision-making, I decided to wait to decide until after our appointment with the RE on Tuesday.

So we're back at the clinic on Tuesday morning to figure out what to do next. One round of Clomid gave me nothing but hot flashes and crazy mood swings. I'm on round two now, and if this doesn't work, I am only doing Clomid for one more month. The doctor prescribed 50mg, taken Days 3-7. She said I definitely don't need more than 50mg because 1) I have no problem ovulating on my own and 2) I'm so "tiny" (her words) - what she doesn't realize is that short does not equal tiny, and I'm at the upper limit of "normal" for what my weight should be for my height.

Sooo...I'm wondering...what should I be asking her? Should I request a higher dose of Clomid for the third and final try? Should I be getting more details on IUI? Do I have any other options before IUI? Test results were all clear for both of us, so there is nothing to actually treat. Since she was of the opinion to just wait and keep trying, I want to make sure I have some sort of action plan in my mind to suggest, otherwise I'll be sent home with a prescription to just keep having sex (since we're not doing that already, right??).

Thanks in advance ladies! :)