Posts
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
First Picture
The ultrasound images weren't very clear at all, but I'm happy to have something to look at...suddenly it all seems so much more real.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Thank You God
Just got back from the clinic. I had made myself physically ill with worry the last few days and felt especially awful this morning.
Thank God...HUGE sigh of relief.
Baby A: 8w6d, heartbeat 176
Baby B: 8w5d, heartbeat 172
Will update later with pictures and details. I'm going to go nap now; I think I can finally sleep peacefully.
Thank you all SO much for your support. I'm so touched by all of you who came and checked in on me in the last three weeks and even remembered today was our big day. I don't even know how to explain how much it means to me. Thank you. :)
Thank God...HUGE sigh of relief.
Baby A: 8w6d, heartbeat 176
Baby B: 8w5d, heartbeat 172
Will update later with pictures and details. I'm going to go nap now; I think I can finally sleep peacefully.
Thank you all SO much for your support. I'm so touched by all of you who came and checked in on me in the last three weeks and even remembered today was our big day. I don't even know how to explain how much it means to me. Thank you. :)
Monday, August 25, 2008
8 Days a Week
It's been an 8-day week for us, a whirlwind of 8 days which have brought so much change to our lives, yet have gone by so slowly as well. I feel as though I have experienced every minute of these 8 days...it feels like far more than 8 days have gone past.
I took the advice of the majority of you and decided to not go in for the ultrasound today. My mom told me, if I were in Canada now, I wouldn't be having an u/s, so why bother getting an extra one today. I agreed. I called at 10am to cancel the appointment.
At 12:45pm (I happen to know the exact time because I was looking at the clock, waiting for my online class to start back up), I had a sudden very sharp pain in my lower stomach region. I ran to the bathroom, thinking that perhaps it was one of those crazy weirdo gas problems. As soon as I got there, the pain got even more intense, and I ran back out to lie on my bed. The pain was getting stronger and sharper, spreading from what I assumed was my uterus all the way up through my stomach, up to my chest. I could neither lie down nor sit up, nor could I find any sort of position that alleviated the pain. I writhed and moaned in pain for 15 minutes, praying to God to protect my baby and me, frightened to death about what could be happening. Was this the beginning signs of an ectopic? Was my body going through a miscarriage?
My parents (who are both physicians too, sure comes in handy :) said to see if I could go in for the u/s, and thankfully the original time slot was available. By the time of the u/s, the pain had significantly subsided into a dull ache.
The u/s tech said, "This is a Clomid pregnancy? Likely you had a nasty cyst." Apparently I had developed a large cyst (no way to know how large) that had ruptured - this was the cause of that unbearable pain. And the u/s showed that my cramping from last week was likely due to other smaller cysts that had ruptured. I have one more that is 3.5cm which we hope will just dissolve but could rupture - the tech said this one is much smaller than the one that ruptured today would have been.
At this point, honestly, I was so incredibly thankful that I wasn't having a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, that I didn't care about much else. But I am pregnant (ahhhh!!!), and I was having an u/s, so obviously we had to look at the uterus too.
And this is what we saw.
It's not a great picture, since it's a picture of a picture, and I forgot to turn the flash off...but I think it's still pretty clear. :)
So, like I said, it's been some 8 days for us. We are thrilled, but of course we are still very cautious...it's incredibly early. One baby measured 4 weeks 5 days, and the other measured 4 weeks 4 days. It's still too early for a heartbeat, and the gestational sacs themselves are so small (about 2 mm) that the u/s tech couldn't see inside them.
Now we wait patiently for Sept. 18th - the 8 week u/s at the fertility clinic back home. I know anything can happen between now and then, and even after then, but I'm so incredibly thankful that so far all is going well, and we've been blessed by two babies, which we pray will stick with us for the next 9 months.
Again, I'm so touched by all your support and comments, especially in light of my inability to return any comments right now. I'm with my family now (who are spoiling me rotten!), and I likely won't be back online until I return home mid-September. In the meantime, I will miss reading your blogs, but I look forward to catching up with everyone when I get back. Thanks so much for your prayers, thoughts, and support. :)
I took the advice of the majority of you and decided to not go in for the ultrasound today. My mom told me, if I were in Canada now, I wouldn't be having an u/s, so why bother getting an extra one today. I agreed. I called at 10am to cancel the appointment.
At 12:45pm (I happen to know the exact time because I was looking at the clock, waiting for my online class to start back up), I had a sudden very sharp pain in my lower stomach region. I ran to the bathroom, thinking that perhaps it was one of those crazy weirdo gas problems. As soon as I got there, the pain got even more intense, and I ran back out to lie on my bed. The pain was getting stronger and sharper, spreading from what I assumed was my uterus all the way up through my stomach, up to my chest. I could neither lie down nor sit up, nor could I find any sort of position that alleviated the pain. I writhed and moaned in pain for 15 minutes, praying to God to protect my baby and me, frightened to death about what could be happening. Was this the beginning signs of an ectopic? Was my body going through a miscarriage?
My parents (who are both physicians too, sure comes in handy :) said to see if I could go in for the u/s, and thankfully the original time slot was available. By the time of the u/s, the pain had significantly subsided into a dull ache.
The u/s tech said, "This is a Clomid pregnancy? Likely you had a nasty cyst." Apparently I had developed a large cyst (no way to know how large) that had ruptured - this was the cause of that unbearable pain. And the u/s showed that my cramping from last week was likely due to other smaller cysts that had ruptured. I have one more that is 3.5cm which we hope will just dissolve but could rupture - the tech said this one is much smaller than the one that ruptured today would have been.
At this point, honestly, I was so incredibly thankful that I wasn't having a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, that I didn't care about much else. But I am pregnant (ahhhh!!!), and I was having an u/s, so obviously we had to look at the uterus too.
And this is what we saw.
It's not a great picture, since it's a picture of a picture, and I forgot to turn the flash off...but I think it's still pretty clear. :)
So, like I said, it's been some 8 days for us. We are thrilled, but of course we are still very cautious...it's incredibly early. One baby measured 4 weeks 5 days, and the other measured 4 weeks 4 days. It's still too early for a heartbeat, and the gestational sacs themselves are so small (about 2 mm) that the u/s tech couldn't see inside them.
Now we wait patiently for Sept. 18th - the 8 week u/s at the fertility clinic back home. I know anything can happen between now and then, and even after then, but I'm so incredibly thankful that so far all is going well, and we've been blessed by two babies, which we pray will stick with us for the next 9 months.
Again, I'm so touched by all your support and comments, especially in light of my inability to return any comments right now. I'm with my family now (who are spoiling me rotten!), and I likely won't be back online until I return home mid-September. In the meantime, I will miss reading your blogs, but I look forward to catching up with everyone when I get back. Thanks so much for your prayers, thoughts, and support. :)
Friday, August 22, 2008
Betas, Take Two
Beta hcg: 1968
at 17 DPO
Progesterone wasn't repeated because it was fine at the previous check.
The office said that they would now schedule me for an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy isn't ectopic - this is their routine procedure. But my fertility clinic said they don't do an u/s until 7-8 weeks. Everything I'm having done here is out of pocket...what do you guys think? Is this 5 week u/s necessary or a good idea? My parents are willing to pay for everything, but I think I'd rather save that money, as future baby expenses are suddenly closer than I had imagined!
I feel...in shock. As I did last Sunday morning, when that second line showed up. After the positive pee-stick, I was thrilled, but cautious. After Tuesday's betas, I was relieved, but still waiting. Now...it's real! And I can hardly believe it...
I've spent so long learning how to get pregnant, that I pushed the idea of being pregnant far out of my mind. Yesterday I was asking DH to see if he could find the pregnancy workout DVDs I bought...last January - yes, January 2007. You see, in the beginning, I thought about pregnancy and labor and babies and raising kids all the time, because, of course, I was about to become a mom the day we started TTC-ing! When it didn't happen, and failure was repeatedly followed by failure, a year and a half later, I had completely pushed out all thoughts of pregnancy, let alone babies and child-rearing.
All this week, I've just kind of pretended like nothing was happening. I tried to avoid sushi, but then all my friends became suspicious, so I went with them anyway and had a cooked roll (then immediately felt guilty about the teeny, tiny, minute possiblity of cross-contamination). But other than that, unlike the old me, I haven't been reading and googling every single thing about pregnancy...because I just wasn't ready to believe until now.
I'm still cautious, because I know anything can happen, and the risk of miscarriage is still pretty high until 12 weeks, but I can no longer pretend like I'm not sure that I'm pregnant. Because for now, I am...that p word that I can't even imagine I'm saying in reference to me! I'm pregnant, thanks be to God.
at 17 DPO
Progesterone wasn't repeated because it was fine at the previous check.
The office said that they would now schedule me for an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy isn't ectopic - this is their routine procedure. But my fertility clinic said they don't do an u/s until 7-8 weeks. Everything I'm having done here is out of pocket...what do you guys think? Is this 5 week u/s necessary or a good idea? My parents are willing to pay for everything, but I think I'd rather save that money, as future baby expenses are suddenly closer than I had imagined!
I feel...in shock. As I did last Sunday morning, when that second line showed up. After the positive pee-stick, I was thrilled, but cautious. After Tuesday's betas, I was relieved, but still waiting. Now...it's real! And I can hardly believe it...
I've spent so long learning how to get pregnant, that I pushed the idea of being pregnant far out of my mind. Yesterday I was asking DH to see if he could find the pregnancy workout DVDs I bought...last January - yes, January 2007. You see, in the beginning, I thought about pregnancy and labor and babies and raising kids all the time, because, of course, I was about to become a mom the day we started TTC-ing! When it didn't happen, and failure was repeatedly followed by failure, a year and a half later, I had completely pushed out all thoughts of pregnancy, let alone babies and child-rearing.
All this week, I've just kind of pretended like nothing was happening. I tried to avoid sushi, but then all my friends became suspicious, so I went with them anyway and had a cooked roll (then immediately felt guilty about the teeny, tiny, minute possiblity of cross-contamination). But other than that, unlike the old me, I haven't been reading and googling every single thing about pregnancy...because I just wasn't ready to believe until now.
I'm still cautious, because I know anything can happen, and the risk of miscarriage is still pretty high until 12 weeks, but I can no longer pretend like I'm not sure that I'm pregnant. Because for now, I am...that p word that I can't even imagine I'm saying in reference to me! I'm pregnant, thanks be to God.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Betas, Take One
Beta hcg: 657
Progesterone: 52.4
at 15 DPO
This is good, right? I'm not sure what's considered good...I think what's more important is that the numbers double every two days? I just had my second draws today, so we'll be able to see if the numbers are doubling properly or not tomorrow. I got to speak to the nurse as well, and she said cramping is very normal in early pregnancy, so I am breathing much easier now. I just got really nervous about it, because it kept feeling like I was about to get my period. But thank you all for putting my mind at ease, that this is indeed normal.
After tomorrow, I'll hopefully be able to relax even more. Thank you all for your support. :) Forgive me for not being able to visit each of your blogs; I hadn't planned to blog at all while at home, but then there was a turn of events, which I couldn't wait for a whole month to post. :)
Progesterone: 52.4
at 15 DPO
This is good, right? I'm not sure what's considered good...I think what's more important is that the numbers double every two days? I just had my second draws today, so we'll be able to see if the numbers are doubling properly or not tomorrow. I got to speak to the nurse as well, and she said cramping is very normal in early pregnancy, so I am breathing much easier now. I just got really nervous about it, because it kept feeling like I was about to get my period. But thank you all for putting my mind at ease, that this is indeed normal.
After tomorrow, I'll hopefully be able to relax even more. Thank you all for your support. :) Forgive me for not being able to visit each of your blogs; I hadn't planned to blog at all while at home, but then there was a turn of events, which I couldn't wait for a whole month to post. :)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Just Around the Corner
Yesterday my mom was driving me home from my eye appointment, since moms are cool and love to take care of you when you go home [well...mine does at least...but I know not everyone's may be cool like that :( ]. As we were turning into our subdivision, she said, "It's so interesting looking at the faces of people who are waiting to turn onto the main road...their faces are so stressed, they're just waiting for their turn and feeling stressed."
How true it is. We've all been waiting and waiting, waiting for our turn to get onto that road. While we wait, we wait in agony, we wait in the stress of the unknown. We don't know when our turn will come, and we don't know what's around the bend in the road when we do finally make our way onto it.
We are so very thankful to God for our BFP on Sunday morning...I've never had a positive HPT (heck, I even used to get excited about OPKs, since I'd never seen two lines on a peestick in my life!). Just getting a positive HPT is a huge breakthrough for us.
But I'm also nervous - I've been cramping since last week (which is why I was so sure I'd be getting my period on Sunday), and I'm out of Canada and have no insurance here. I don't know what's around the corner for me. I went in for my betas today and am anxiously waiting for the call from the doctor's office tomorrow (but not so anxiously waiting for my bill).
I'm overwhelmed by your comments and so grateful to all of you who have dropped by and congratulated us...I had no idea that many people were even reading me! Thank you so much for your support...please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we wait for the betas to come back tomorrow.
How true it is. We've all been waiting and waiting, waiting for our turn to get onto that road. While we wait, we wait in agony, we wait in the stress of the unknown. We don't know when our turn will come, and we don't know what's around the bend in the road when we do finally make our way onto it.
We are so very thankful to God for our BFP on Sunday morning...I've never had a positive HPT (heck, I even used to get excited about OPKs, since I'd never seen two lines on a peestick in my life!). Just getting a positive HPT is a huge breakthrough for us.
But I'm also nervous - I've been cramping since last week (which is why I was so sure I'd be getting my period on Sunday), and I'm out of Canada and have no insurance here. I don't know what's around the corner for me. I went in for my betas today and am anxiously waiting for the call from the doctor's office tomorrow (but not so anxiously waiting for my bill).
I'm overwhelmed by your comments and so grateful to all of you who have dropped by and congratulated us...I had no idea that many people were even reading me! Thank you so much for your support...please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we wait for the betas to come back tomorrow.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Blog Post That Finally Happened
25 OPKs + 10 HPTs value pack = $21.95
Pre-Seed Multi-use Tube + Pre Lube Tube = $33.98
5 day prescription of 100mg Clomid = $21.82
[all of the above just ordered, still shrink-wrapped and untouched]
Changing my flight to return at a later date = $350
= PRICELESS
Pre-Seed Multi-use Tube + Pre Lube Tube = $33.98
5 day prescription of 100mg Clomid = $21.82
[all of the above just ordered, still shrink-wrapped and untouched]
Changing my flight to return at a later date = $350
= PRICELESS
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
I'm still Alive, Thanks :)
In the two weeks since I last posted, I've had a million and one blog posts composed in my mind that never quite made it to being published (or even typed up). Things have been a little hectic; there's so much to say, and yet it's all a big jumble now. Under normal circumstances I would have been typing away through this whole time, so everything wouldn't be so confused and mixed up in my mind now.
So this will be an update post, an explanation of sorts for my absence.
Two weekends ago, I developed an eye infection that stubbornly refused to go away till a couple of days ago. I did my best to keep up with your posts, and I tried to comment, but when my eyes were hurting too much, I just stopped and marked all those posts in Google Reader as read....it was a great sense of guilt accompanied by relief. :) So if I didn't make it around to commenting on your blog, please forgive me.
Now my eyes are better, from the infection at least, but I've been practically living at my in-laws the last few days getting ready for my SIL's engagement party tomorrow...leaving little time for blogging. Wish us luck that all goes well and my cooking is edible and appreciated.
Today my eyes hurt again, but that's because I've been drowning in tears, angry tears, sad tears, painful tears, tears that make no sense to me, all yesterday and today. I know it's all just the stupid Clomid, but the way it makes you feel is so painful, and that pain you feel is real. Previously I had been jumping back and forth from Jekyll to Hyde, but I feel like in the last few days I've been propelled downward into Hyde-ness - and it's not a pretty sight. I'm scared to even think of what next month's 100mg will turn me into.
Sunday I'm going home. Yay! An escape from being surrounded by babies and pregnant women and those insidious little comments and hints on when I may be joining their ranks. Unfortunately, though almost every single one of you advised me to go and stay my full three weeks, my guilt conscience couldn't let me skip the next cycle...so I'm going for 10 days. Half as long as usual, but better than nothing.
I probably will not be able to blog or even read your blogs while I'm gone, as I do not want to be "discovered" while at home. :) So it'll be another long absence, in which you all will be missed. I'll do my best to catch up when I return - "see" you when I get back! :)
So this will be an update post, an explanation of sorts for my absence.
Two weekends ago, I developed an eye infection that stubbornly refused to go away till a couple of days ago. I did my best to keep up with your posts, and I tried to comment, but when my eyes were hurting too much, I just stopped and marked all those posts in Google Reader as read....it was a great sense of guilt accompanied by relief. :) So if I didn't make it around to commenting on your blog, please forgive me.
Now my eyes are better, from the infection at least, but I've been practically living at my in-laws the last few days getting ready for my SIL's engagement party tomorrow...leaving little time for blogging. Wish us luck that all goes well and my cooking is edible and appreciated.
Today my eyes hurt again, but that's because I've been drowning in tears, angry tears, sad tears, painful tears, tears that make no sense to me, all yesterday and today. I know it's all just the stupid Clomid, but the way it makes you feel is so painful, and that pain you feel is real. Previously I had been jumping back and forth from Jekyll to Hyde, but I feel like in the last few days I've been propelled downward into Hyde-ness - and it's not a pretty sight. I'm scared to even think of what next month's 100mg will turn me into.
Sunday I'm going home. Yay! An escape from being surrounded by babies and pregnant women and those insidious little comments and hints on when I may be joining their ranks. Unfortunately, though almost every single one of you advised me to go and stay my full three weeks, my guilt conscience couldn't let me skip the next cycle...so I'm going for 10 days. Half as long as usual, but better than nothing.
I probably will not be able to blog or even read your blogs while I'm gone, as I do not want to be "discovered" while at home. :) So it'll be another long absence, in which you all will be missed. I'll do my best to catch up when I return - "see" you when I get back! :)
Friday, August 1, 2008
One Word Meme - Post #50!
Tagged by Echloe. I like these nice, short memes. :)
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others.
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others.
1. Where is your cell phone? None
2. Your significant other? DH
3. Your hair? Long
4. Your mother? Awesome
5. Your father? Phenomenal
6. Your favorite thing? Chocolate
7. Your dream last night? Weird
8. Your favorite drink? Water
9. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
10. The room you're in? Dining
11. Your hobby? Sewing
12. Your fear? Childlessness
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? USA
14. What you're not? Mean
15. Muffins? Bran
16. One of your wish list items? WiiFit
17. Where you grew up? South
18. The last thing you did? Prayed
19. What are you wearing? PJs
20. Favorite Gadget? MagicBullet
21. Your pet? None
22. Your computer? Dying
23. Your mood? Hormonal
24. Missing someone? Family
25. Your car? None
26. Something you are not wearing? Contacts
27. Favorite Store? Kohls
28. Like someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
New Look, New Hopes
In the spirit of renewing my hopes for this cycle (and the ones to follow...but hopefully there won't be any, since hopefully this is the one! :), I've brightened up my blog. I never intended to stay with the black layout, I just got lazy and forgot all about it. But I realized that it's time to step up and start doing things, no matter how small, to help me continue to stay energized and optimistic. So, what do you guys think? :)
I'm also taking steps on a new look for me. I finally joined SparkPeople, and their tracking system is awesome. It helps a lot to track my food and exercise throughout the day to see how I'm doing. There's just something about being able to see your progress - I know I won't be shedding any pounds right away, so just seeing the calories I'm burning is motivating. I've gone to the gym every day that I could in the last two weeks, and I plan to continue.
In the midst of the renewed hope and optimism that is me, I'm still battling the Clomid monster that has set up shop in my body. I don't think I ever understood before when people would talk about depression or mood swings being out of their control, but now I finally do. When the mood strikes, it strikes hard and fast - out of nowhere, I'll get very angry, or I'll feel very upset and hopeless. It's frustrating because it seems like it is out of my control - I know it's happening, but I can't do anything to stop it.
I'm hoping that doing things to keep myself upbeat and finally taking care of my body will help me to fight off the mood swings. And if it means having a chance to have a baby, I'll gladly continue fighting them off for a few more months.
I'm also taking steps on a new look for me. I finally joined SparkPeople, and their tracking system is awesome. It helps a lot to track my food and exercise throughout the day to see how I'm doing. There's just something about being able to see your progress - I know I won't be shedding any pounds right away, so just seeing the calories I'm burning is motivating. I've gone to the gym every day that I could in the last two weeks, and I plan to continue.
In the midst of the renewed hope and optimism that is me, I'm still battling the Clomid monster that has set up shop in my body. I don't think I ever understood before when people would talk about depression or mood swings being out of their control, but now I finally do. When the mood strikes, it strikes hard and fast - out of nowhere, I'll get very angry, or I'll feel very upset and hopeless. It's frustrating because it seems like it is out of my control - I know it's happening, but I can't do anything to stop it.
I'm hoping that doing things to keep myself upbeat and finally taking care of my body will help me to fight off the mood swings. And if it means having a chance to have a baby, I'll gladly continue fighting them off for a few more months.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Feeling Better
Just got back from the clinic...ladies, thank you SO much for your help and advice! I was pleased with how today's appointment went, much better than last time in which I was told that nothing was wrong and I should just keep having sex. Since I'm sure that none of us TTC-ing have thought of that yet, right? :)
What a difference it makes to have all your questions/concerns clearly written out...which I could do, thanks to everyone's suggestions to me.
Basically, the plan is to move up to 100mg Clomid for my third and final month of Clomid. The doctor said that may help stimulate more than one follicle, since it seems like only one was stimulated this time. She said that the hot flashes and mood swings will definitely intensify, but DH and I agreed we'd be willing to risk that (poor him...he bears the brunt of both!).
She answered all my questions, and we have a pretty clear plan to move on to IUI with injectables if we haven't gotten pregnant on our own by that time.
I asked her about a post-coital test, since some of you suggested that, and she said none of the doctors in Canada do that anymore, because basically there is no point - our next step is IUI anyway, so even if my cervical environment is not friendly, it doesn't matter.
That said, I did ask her for alternatives to pre-seed for the next two months while I'm still on Clomid, since that stuff is not very economical at all! And she suggested...raw egg whites. Um, ya...sounds kinda gross. I have read about this before, but I didn't think people actually did it. Have any of you tried this before?? Or do you have any other ideas for pre-seed alternatives?
I'm feeling more optimistic than before...I had been feeling really down in the dumps since AF came this time, doom and gloom, what if it never happens...you know the routine. Having a clear plan definitely helps. And there's always a certain excitement about TTC-ing as O time approaches...;)
What a difference it makes to have all your questions/concerns clearly written out...which I could do, thanks to everyone's suggestions to me.
Basically, the plan is to move up to 100mg Clomid for my third and final month of Clomid. The doctor said that may help stimulate more than one follicle, since it seems like only one was stimulated this time. She said that the hot flashes and mood swings will definitely intensify, but DH and I agreed we'd be willing to risk that (poor him...he bears the brunt of both!).
She answered all my questions, and we have a pretty clear plan to move on to IUI with injectables if we haven't gotten pregnant on our own by that time.
I asked her about a post-coital test, since some of you suggested that, and she said none of the doctors in Canada do that anymore, because basically there is no point - our next step is IUI anyway, so even if my cervical environment is not friendly, it doesn't matter.
That said, I did ask her for alternatives to pre-seed for the next two months while I'm still on Clomid, since that stuff is not very economical at all! And she suggested...raw egg whites. Um, ya...sounds kinda gross. I have read about this before, but I didn't think people actually did it. Have any of you tried this before?? Or do you have any other ideas for pre-seed alternatives?
I'm feeling more optimistic than before...I had been feeling really down in the dumps since AF came this time, doom and gloom, what if it never happens...you know the routine. Having a clear plan definitely helps. And there's always a certain excitement about TTC-ing as O time approaches...;)
Monday, July 28, 2008
Back to the Clinic
First, I'd like to thank you all for your input and suggestions on whether I should take the month off TTC or not...sounds like everyone is encouraging me to take a vacation! :) Since I like avoiding decision-making, I decided to wait to decide until after our appointment with the RE on Tuesday.
So we're back at the clinic on Tuesday morning to figure out what to do next. One round of Clomid gave me nothing but hot flashes and crazy mood swings. I'm on round two now, and if this doesn't work, I am only doing Clomid for one more month. The doctor prescribed 50mg, taken Days 3-7. She said I definitely don't need more than 50mg because 1) I have no problem ovulating on my own and 2) I'm so "tiny" (her words) - what she doesn't realize is that short does not equal tiny, and I'm at the upper limit of "normal" for what my weight should be for my height.
Sooo...I'm wondering...what should I be asking her? Should I request a higher dose of Clomid for the third and final try? Should I be getting more details on IUI? Do I have any other options before IUI? Test results were all clear for both of us, so there is nothing to actually treat. Since she was of the opinion to just wait and keep trying, I want to make sure I have some sort of action plan in my mind to suggest, otherwise I'll be sent home with a prescription to just keep having sex (since we're not doing that already, right??).
Thanks in advance ladies! :)
So we're back at the clinic on Tuesday morning to figure out what to do next. One round of Clomid gave me nothing but hot flashes and crazy mood swings. I'm on round two now, and if this doesn't work, I am only doing Clomid for one more month. The doctor prescribed 50mg, taken Days 3-7. She said I definitely don't need more than 50mg because 1) I have no problem ovulating on my own and 2) I'm so "tiny" (her words) - what she doesn't realize is that short does not equal tiny, and I'm at the upper limit of "normal" for what my weight should be for my height.
Sooo...I'm wondering...what should I be asking her? Should I request a higher dose of Clomid for the third and final try? Should I be getting more details on IUI? Do I have any other options before IUI? Test results were all clear for both of us, so there is nothing to actually treat. Since she was of the opinion to just wait and keep trying, I want to make sure I have some sort of action plan in my mind to suggest, otherwise I'll be sent home with a prescription to just keep having sex (since we're not doing that already, right??).
Thanks in advance ladies! :)
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Baby Dreams
Yesterday I had the most vivid dream I've had in a long time...or at least it was the most vivid dream that I was able to remember. I had just given birth to a baby, a girl, and I felt euphoric. I can't even describe how good I felt in the dream. Somehow, none of my friends knew I was pregnant, so it was a surprise, so everyone was extra excited. I woke up feeling so at peace and so happy.
Then I realized...I don't have a baby. And I'm not pregnant. And I'm an idiot - I merged the real lives of two of my friends into me in my dream.
Last month a good friend who moved to the States after she got married had a baby - we all found out that she had been pregnant after she gave birth to the baby. I have no idea why she didn't tell anyone...something about her husband being really paranoid...(I still don't really get that one).
And last night I got a message from my friend (and downstairs neighbor) that she had her baby girl on Friday night...she sounded so exhausted but so, so happy, like she was in another world.
I'm incredibly happy and excited for her, but I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about how everything is going to hit me, especially since my emotions are off balance due to Clomid. I can't wait to go to the hospital and see the baby, and I can't wait to pull out all the cute little clothes I bought for her and wrap them up...But will that familiar little pain tug at my heart when I hold the baby, wondering when my baby is coming? Will I fall into that pit of despair and hopelessness that Clomid has dragged me down into in the last month?
Then I realized...I don't have a baby. And I'm not pregnant. And I'm an idiot - I merged the real lives of two of my friends into me in my dream.
Last month a good friend who moved to the States after she got married had a baby - we all found out that she had been pregnant after she gave birth to the baby. I have no idea why she didn't tell anyone...something about her husband being really paranoid...(I still don't really get that one).
And last night I got a message from my friend (and downstairs neighbor) that she had her baby girl on Friday night...she sounded so exhausted but so, so happy, like she was in another world.
I'm incredibly happy and excited for her, but I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about how everything is going to hit me, especially since my emotions are off balance due to Clomid. I can't wait to go to the hospital and see the baby, and I can't wait to pull out all the cute little clothes I bought for her and wrap them up...But will that familiar little pain tug at my heart when I hold the baby, wondering when my baby is coming? Will I fall into that pit of despair and hopelessness that Clomid has dragged me down into in the last month?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I'm Sorry, Mom
...for all the times I made fun of your hot flashes.
Because now I know.
Hot flashes SUCK!!!
And I'm way too young to be having them!
Ahhh...the lovely effects of Clomid...
Because now I know.
Hot flashes SUCK!!!
And I'm way too young to be having them!
Ahhh...the lovely effects of Clomid...
To Go or Not to Go
For the last year and a half, I've been scheduling my life around TTC-ing. And for even longer than that, I've been planning around the possibility of being pregnant.
You know how it is...well, I don't want to start teaching now because I'll probably get pregnant and then I'd have to leave in the middle of the year...ya...WRONG...
Obviously, I haven't gotten pregnant in that time. But I have picked up a new obsession with my google calendar, which I use to plot predicted ovulation dates for "trying times" (those times are trying in more ways than one!) and anticipated AF arrivals.
I'm supposed to be going home in about a month for a few weeks; I usually have to go every few months to take care of some things for my family. Our trying times don't fall right in the middle of the trip, but they fall in a way that my trip would be a lot shorter than usual - less than 2 weeks verses 3 weeks.
Now I'm in a dilemma. We have missed months due to unavoidable circumstances (x-rays, work training for DH), but we haven't voluntarily missed a single month of TTC since we started.
At first I told DH I'd be going for 3 weeks because I'm so tired of planning around TTC-ing and scheduling my whole life around it. I figured the break that month might be good for me mentally too - a whole month in which I won't be fretting over TTC-ing and then the angst of am I pregnant?/am I not? in the 2WW.
But as I was about to book my tickets, I just stopped. I don't have to be gone for 3 weeks...less than 2 is doable. Not ideal, but it can work. And maybe I'll regret missing the opportunity of TTC-ing that month, and more importantly, maybe I'll regret pushing back my treatments even further.
So I'm undecided. I'm sick of planning around TTC, I want to just plan like a normal person would plan. And it will be difficult getting everything taken care of in half the time that I expected to be there. But I'm afraid I'll regret missing the month and the subsequent delay in the next steps of treatment.
I was going to avoid all this by just going earlier, but my SIL's engagement is the weekend of the week I planned to go...so I can't leave any earlier than after that. And I do have to go by the end of August.
Any advice? Would you take the month off and force yourself to relax? Or do you think you'd wish you hadn't "wasted" a month?
You know how it is...well, I don't want to start teaching now because I'll probably get pregnant and then I'd have to leave in the middle of the year...ya...WRONG...
Obviously, I haven't gotten pregnant in that time. But I have picked up a new obsession with my google calendar, which I use to plot predicted ovulation dates for "trying times" (those times are trying in more ways than one!) and anticipated AF arrivals.
I'm supposed to be going home in about a month for a few weeks; I usually have to go every few months to take care of some things for my family. Our trying times don't fall right in the middle of the trip, but they fall in a way that my trip would be a lot shorter than usual - less than 2 weeks verses 3 weeks.
Now I'm in a dilemma. We have missed months due to unavoidable circumstances (x-rays, work training for DH), but we haven't voluntarily missed a single month of TTC since we started.
At first I told DH I'd be going for 3 weeks because I'm so tired of planning around TTC-ing and scheduling my whole life around it. I figured the break that month might be good for me mentally too - a whole month in which I won't be fretting over TTC-ing and then the angst of am I pregnant?/am I not? in the 2WW.
But as I was about to book my tickets, I just stopped. I don't have to be gone for 3 weeks...less than 2 is doable. Not ideal, but it can work. And maybe I'll regret missing the opportunity of TTC-ing that month, and more importantly, maybe I'll regret pushing back my treatments even further.
So I'm undecided. I'm sick of planning around TTC, I want to just plan like a normal person would plan. And it will be difficult getting everything taken care of in half the time that I expected to be there. But I'm afraid I'll regret missing the month and the subsequent delay in the next steps of treatment.
I was going to avoid all this by just going earlier, but my SIL's engagement is the weekend of the week I planned to go...so I can't leave any earlier than after that. And I do have to go by the end of August.
Any advice? Would you take the month off and force yourself to relax? Or do you think you'd wish you hadn't "wasted" a month?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The New Baby in Our Family
DH's cousin and her husband and 5 month old baby have just immigrated to Canada from the "motherland" (which must remain unnamed as DH is a stickler for anonymity). They arrived here on Friday, completely exhausted and worn out from the long journey. They are staying with my in-laws until they're able to settle in and find a place of their own.
So...there's a new baby in our family now.
They came to our place today for lunch. Today the full wrath of AF showed; I was in a lot of pain, and just in time for them to come, I developed two very attractive and prominent zits where no one could miss them. Sigh.
But my awesome DH did a lot of the work, so that helped, and everything went fine, more or less.
Just before they left, his cousin took the baby to our bedroom to change him. He was lying on the bed, and one by one, everyone just gathered in our room. My in-laws never come into the bedroom, yet, here we all were, all standing around the bed, laughing, and cooing, and playing with a baby around my bed.
How strange that what I had imagined would be happening one day was indeed happening...but so differently than how I imagined it would be. How strange to think that I was so sure that by now, we would have all gathered around to be playing with my baby...yet there is no sign of any baby of mine...
Maybe being around a baby will help my body get its act together...since being surrounded by tons of pregnant women hasn't seemed to help yet!
So...there's a new baby in our family now.
They came to our place today for lunch. Today the full wrath of AF showed; I was in a lot of pain, and just in time for them to come, I developed two very attractive and prominent zits where no one could miss them. Sigh.
But my awesome DH did a lot of the work, so that helped, and everything went fine, more or less.
Just before they left, his cousin took the baby to our bedroom to change him. He was lying on the bed, and one by one, everyone just gathered in our room. My in-laws never come into the bedroom, yet, here we all were, all standing around the bed, laughing, and cooing, and playing with a baby around my bed.
How strange that what I had imagined would be happening one day was indeed happening...but so differently than how I imagined it would be. How strange to think that I was so sure that by now, we would have all gathered around to be playing with my baby...yet there is no sign of any baby of mine...
Maybe being around a baby will help my body get its act together...since being surrounded by tons of pregnant women hasn't seemed to help yet!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Gave In
I gave in to temptation...
and was not rewarded.
I'm 15 DPO...so I don't really have any hope left to hold onto - I'm pretty sure it would have showed up by now.
Stupid BFN. :(
and was not rewarded.
I'm 15 DPO...so I don't really have any hope left to hold onto - I'm pretty sure it would have showed up by now.
Stupid BFN. :(
ETA: It's lovely how AF always shows up on the same day that I test.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I Had Two Eggs (No, Three!)
Our morning chat:
DH: hi sweetums
DH: how u feelin?
me: um ok
me: why?
me: something wrong?
DH: your tummy was hurtin last nite, so im checkin up on my [nickname for me]
(referring to the cramping I've been having)
me: oh thanks
me: so far so good
me: i had two eggs
me: 1 real, 1 fake
me: i really want the other real one
DH: how u know?
me: noooooo
me: LOOLLLL
me: i ate two eggs
DH: hehe...
Lol! He's finally thinking in TTC terms! Of course he forgot that the whole point of the ultrasound earlier in the week was to see how many eggs had been released, so we already knew that. So he doesn't quite have all the facts of the process down...but he's trying.
Yes, I did eat three eggs (two real, one egg beaters), but it was breakfast and lunch, and I went to the gym this morning! So I think it was okay. : )
No AF yet. Cramping continues, but less than before. I don't know what to make of that. I resisted testing this morning. I did temp, and my temp is still high...but it doesn't mean much - I could easily get AF on Saturday or Sunday (+/- 1 or 2 days is not unusual for me).
I'm trying not to hope for now...though I got really excited after Mandy and RM said they cramped at the very beginning when they got pregnant. Don't you guys know I'm trying not to get my hopes up?? :) Thank you for trying to be hopeful for me. :)
DH: hi sweetums
DH: how u feelin?
me: um ok
me: why?
me: something wrong?
DH: your tummy was hurtin last nite, so im checkin up on my [nickname for me]
(referring to the cramping I've been having)
me: oh thanks
me: so far so good
me: i had two eggs
me: 1 real, 1 fake
me: i really want the other real one
DH: how u know?
me: noooooo
me: LOOLLLL
me: i ate two eggs
DH: hehe...
Lol! He's finally thinking in TTC terms! Of course he forgot that the whole point of the ultrasound earlier in the week was to see how many eggs had been released, so we already knew that. So he doesn't quite have all the facts of the process down...but he's trying.
Yes, I did eat three eggs (two real, one egg beaters), but it was breakfast and lunch, and I went to the gym this morning! So I think it was okay. : )
No AF yet. Cramping continues, but less than before. I don't know what to make of that. I resisted testing this morning. I did temp, and my temp is still high...but it doesn't mean much - I could easily get AF on Saturday or Sunday (+/- 1 or 2 days is not unusual for me).
I'm trying not to hope for now...though I got really excited after Mandy and RM said they cramped at the very beginning when they got pregnant. Don't you guys know I'm trying not to get my hopes up?? :) Thank you for trying to be hopeful for me. :)
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