Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Tempted

I'm tempted...

...to pee on a stick.

[I just paused to think, anyone who has not TTC-ed would read that sentence and definitely think I have issues!]

I stopped testing about a year or so ago, because the disappointment of stark whiteness was too much for me to bear. What I found most frustrating is that there was never a clear no, because "it ain't over till the old hag shows." One day may be a negative, but there was always the next morning to test (and be disappointed again), and the next, and so on...until AF would show up, mocking me for getting my hopes up for nothing. The yo-yo of up and down each day was just too much. I resolved not to test unless AF was at least a day late - never happened, so I never got a chance to test, and I haven't used a pregnancy test in more than a year.

But this time, I feel a bit of temptation to test...just to see. Though I don't want to see that whiteness, that nothingness that so blindingly stares back at you. I suppose I'm tempted to test because I am feeling a bit more hopeful than usual - for the first time in a few cycles, we did everything right - things couldn't have been better. But at the same time, I don't want to let myself have that hope, because I've had many, many perfectly-timed cycles before too. I don't want to get my hopes up only to be shot down again. That was what made TTC the first several months so acutely painful - so much hope, and that hope would be crushed time after time.

How do you balance having hope yet staying grounded, so you don't crash if your hopes aren't fulfilled? Should I go for it, or should I do what's been working for me for the last year?

11 comments:

Katrina said...

Ok this is coming from a pee-stick addict, but wait as long as you can. I hated those white spaces staring at me and don't want you to see one if it's too early for it to be accurate.

Mrs. Spit said...

Honestly, when I conceived Gabriel, my first test was negative. I was pretty devestated. The second test, on the other hand. . .

I'm with Katrina. Wait as long as you can.

shawna said...

I am definitely not the right person to ask, but I agree that you should wait as long as you can. For me, that wasn't very long at all. Good Luck!

Just Me. said...

I am a POAS addict, but I thought I would do it last month and then I didn't. This month, I don't know.

I don't know what keeps me grounded. Ask me that question tomorrow again.

I'm dusting this post with some baby luck!!!!

theycallmebobby said...

Ah, the age old "POAS or don't" question. For me it changed from month to month. In general though, I waited for AF (which always came fashionably late just to get my hopes up). I hope whatever you decide the outcome is something you've dreamed of!

Jill said...

How many DPO are you? I'd wait until at LEAST 18..... that's my rule of thumb at least.

Mya said...

I'm in the wait until you're late camp. I just can't stand the disappointment of a negative result. Good luck to you.

CG said...

I am a POAS addict too but I would atleast wait till 14dpo. Good luck.

RM said...

I pee on sticks every morning beginning 10dpo. This cycle I did it even earlier, because I felt some symptoms. I have absolutely *no* self-control in this department- guess I'm a bad one to comment.

(But you could go get the really cheap ones at D.ollar Tr.ee!)...

alicia said...

I am not a POAS fan either! My cycles are not predicatable enough to determine if I am late or not, so I usually wait to test until the clinic tells me too. And with my luck, what usually happens is I POAS and then seconds after I get AF. So ya, that sucks! The balance is hard though, I am with you there.

I Believe in Miracles said...

So I'm catching up on posts -- reading from when I stopped, so I don't think I need to answer your general question.

BUT I wanted to thank you for this post. It is SO nice to hear I'm not alone. I've only tested once in our whole journey since I'm usually have pretty regular cycles (they're just a little wierd). It seems much more black and white to see the single lonely line than to have AF come. Not sure why.