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Yesterday I had the most vivid dream I've had in a long time...or at least it was the most vivid dream that I was able to remember. I had just given birth to a baby, a girl, and I felt euphoric. I can't even describe how good I felt in the dream. Somehow, none of my friends knew I was pregnant, so it was a surprise, so everyone was extra excited. I woke up feeling so at peace and so happy.
Then I realized...I don't have a baby. And I'm not pregnant. And I'm an idiot - I merged the real lives of two of my friends into me in my dream.
Last month a good friend who moved to the States after she got married had a baby - we all found out that she had been pregnant after she gave birth to the baby. I have no idea why she didn't tell anyone...something about her husband being really paranoid...(I still don't really get that one).
And last night I got a message from my friend (and downstairs neighbor) that she had her baby girl on Friday night...she sounded so exhausted but so, so happy, like she was in another world.
I'm incredibly happy and excited for her, but I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about how everything is going to hit me, especially since my emotions are off balance due to Clomid. I can't wait to go to the hospital and see the baby, and I can't wait to pull out all the cute little clothes I bought for her and wrap them up...But will that familiar little pain tug at my heart when I hold the baby, wondering when my baby is coming? Will I fall into that pit of despair and hopelessness that Clomid has dragged me down into in the last month?
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My journey towards SAHM-hood...
- SAHW
- I'm "just" a 20-something stay at home wife aspiring to be a SAHM, a Southern girl living in Canada, who was a teacher in her former life. After 18 months of TTC-ing, we found out in Aug 08 we're pregnant with twins!
The Journey So Far...
- 4/07: Officially TTCing
- 2/12/08: SA normal, slightly low motility
- 3/31/08: 1st visit to fertility clinic
- 4/08: Blood tests & baseline ultrasound - all clear
- 6/6/08: Hysterosonogram - all clear
- 6/12/08: Diagnosis: Unexplained Infertility
- 6/08: Clomid Cycle #1
- 7/08: Clomid Cycle #2
- 8/17/08: BFP!
- 8/25/08: 5w0d u/s - twins!!
- 9/18/08: 8w5d u/s - 2 babies and 2 heartbeats!
- 10/6/08: 1st OB Appt
- 11/28/08: The "big" u/s
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July
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- To Go or Not to Go
- The New Baby in Our Family
- Gave In
- I Had Two Eggs (No, Three!)
- What a Cute Little Pregnant Woman
- Hello, Nice to Meet You, I'm just a SAHW
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7 comments:
Oh honey..it was like you were typing out the same thing I felt when I held a friend's newborn. I just posted something about hope on my blog. Check it out.. I hope it helps ya. Sending you tons and tons of HUGS!!!!
Your not an idiot. I still have times when I wake up and I expect Gabriel to be in the next room. And then I remember. I'm sorry, the remembering is so crushing.
I could not hold and don't think I can still hold yet another woman's baby. A friend of mine insisted that I carry her baby and I kept rejecting politely. She kept on insisting and went on to say, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE ONE OF YOUR OWN??! I was just so pissed cuz I really couldn't bring myself to carry the baby cuz I know by doing so, I'd feel that unbearable pain in me. So, I understand what you're going through.
I am praying that this month Clomid will work for you. ((((hugs))))))
Those dreams are always so confusing when you wake up. Mine are always so real and I just want to go back to sleep so it will continue.
Don't push yourself if you aren't up to holding your friend's new baby. You have to protect your own heart too. (hugs)
I'm not sure what advice I can give you, since I'm wondering the same kinds of things. I think you're just going to have to trust your instincts on this, and hope that your friend understands if it gets too hard for you. ((hugs))
I suggest following your gut. Sometimes it is easy for us to be happy for someone else in their face, but then collapse at home, and other times it's just hard. I totally agree that clomid throws emotions way off. Big HUG as your trying to make your decision! Hope this clomid cycle is it for you!
Maybe this will make your day better - come on over to my blog to pick up and award I nominated you for!
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