Sunday, July 27, 2008

Baby Dreams

Yesterday I had the most vivid dream I've had in a long time...or at least it was the most vivid dream that I was able to remember. I had just given birth to a baby, a girl, and I felt euphoric. I can't even describe how good I felt in the dream. Somehow, none of my friends knew I was pregnant, so it was a surprise, so everyone was extra excited. I woke up feeling so at peace and so happy.

Then I realized...I don't have a baby. And I'm not pregnant. And I'm an idiot - I merged the real lives of two of my friends into me in my dream.

Last month a good friend who moved to the States after she got married had a baby - we all found out that she had been pregnant after she gave birth to the baby. I have no idea why she didn't tell anyone...something about her husband being really paranoid...(I still don't really get that one).

And last night I got a message from my friend (and downstairs neighbor) that she had her baby girl on Friday night...she sounded so exhausted but so, so happy, like she was in another world.

I'm incredibly happy and excited for her, but I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about how everything is going to hit me, especially since my emotions are off balance due to Clomid. I can't wait to go to the hospital and see the baby, and I can't wait to pull out all the cute little clothes I bought for her and wrap them up...But will that familiar little pain tug at my heart when I hold the baby, wondering when my baby is coming? Will I fall into that pit of despair and hopelessness that Clomid has dragged me down into in the last month?

7 comments:

My Infertility Diaries said...

Oh honey..it was like you were typing out the same thing I felt when I held a friend's newborn. I just posted something about hope on my blog. Check it out.. I hope it helps ya. Sending you tons and tons of HUGS!!!!

Mrs. Spit said...

Your not an idiot. I still have times when I wake up and I expect Gabriel to be in the next room. And then I remember. I'm sorry, the remembering is so crushing.

Just Me. said...

I could not hold and don't think I can still hold yet another woman's baby. A friend of mine insisted that I carry her baby and I kept rejecting politely. She kept on insisting and went on to say, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE ONE OF YOUR OWN??! I was just so pissed cuz I really couldn't bring myself to carry the baby cuz I know by doing so, I'd feel that unbearable pain in me. So, I understand what you're going through.

I am praying that this month Clomid will work for you. ((((hugs))))))

Lost in Space said...

Those dreams are always so confusing when you wake up. Mine are always so real and I just want to go back to sleep so it will continue.

Don't push yourself if you aren't up to holding your friend's new baby. You have to protect your own heart too. (hugs)

Jill said...

I'm not sure what advice I can give you, since I'm wondering the same kinds of things. I think you're just going to have to trust your instincts on this, and hope that your friend understands if it gets too hard for you. ((hugs))

I Believe in Miracles said...

I suggest following your gut. Sometimes it is easy for us to be happy for someone else in their face, but then collapse at home, and other times it's just hard. I totally agree that clomid throws emotions way off. Big HUG as your trying to make your decision! Hope this clomid cycle is it for you!

theycallmebobby said...

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