Tuesday, April 29, 2008

One Down, and Who Knows How Many More to Go

Well, it wasn't that bad. Okay, it actually went surprisingly well yesterday. I realized that combining the abdominal ultrasound with the vaginal scan was brilliant of whoever it was that decided these things should be done that way. I was so worried about not having an accident the whole entire way to the clinic that I didn't have time to worry about the vaginal part at all! It was great.

The sonographer was excellent, and even while she was saying things like, "Let me push your anal sphincter out of the way so we can see your uterus better," and I was thinking, Oh my God, what the heck are you doing to my anal sphincter?? What the heck is an anal sphincter?, she was so good that I was totally relaxed and didn't feel a thing! I tried to request her for the HSG, but she said it's hard to request a sonographer, since you book the appointment with a doctor, not a sonographer.

About that dreaded HSG...apparently, my doctor only does ultrasounds on Tuesdays! And she's totally booked today, and we're going out of the country next week, so I'm too scared to book the HSG two days before a big trip. So it's gonna have to wait till next cycle...I'm kinda glad, because I'm scared, so I get to delay this a little longer, but on the other hand, I can't even have any consultation with the doctor until it's done, so I just want to get it done with, so we can move on to the next step.

I guess I have no choice but to wait. But I'm definitely calling the clinic to get my blood test results...no way I'm waiting two more months for those!

Monday, April 28, 2008

It Begins...

I'm going in for my first ultrasound in an hour. I don't know if I can hold my bladder for that long!! I'm a bit nervous about the vaginal probe; I've always been squeamish about paps and vaginal exams. But I guess I'll have to get over that since I'm a new stirrup-queen as of today! Stirrups, here I come!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

A Slap in the Face

Well, it's over. Even before I could fantasize too much about the possibilities...

Ever since we've been trying, I've always felt like good old AF's visit is like a slap in the face, times two. First, the big hit - Ha ha ha, you're not pregnant...again! Then, the cramps and pain start, and you're miserable for the next couple of days, or however long it lasts.

I once told this to DH, explaining the double whammy, but he just looked at me confused.

It just feels like a big taunt...once again, you failed, and let's throw in some pain and suffering as well.

The only "good" thing is that now we can finally begin our blood tests and ultrasounds. Yay!...I think...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I AM Getting My Period on Friday

I'm supposed to get my period the day after tomorrow.

I'm trying to tell myself: I will get my period on Friday. Or maybe Saturday. Or maybe Sunday. It might be late, but it WILL come.

I'm trying to hold myself back from thinking: I've been feeling extra bloated lately, I was unusually tired the other night, I'm feeling a teensy bit nauseated today, hmmm...what if??

Every month, it happens without fail...towards the end of my 2WW, I develop so many pregnancy symptoms that I convince myself this must be my month. And every month, I get my period.

Each month it's something a little different.

Back when we first started trying, I only had the typical symptoms. In April I was bloated. In May I was ravenously hungry. In July I was exhausted beyond belief.

After many months of run-of-the-mill symptoms followed by BFNs, I advanced on to developing more sophisticated symptoms. In January, I had an acute sense of smell and couldn't stand my brother's breath. In March, I had "implantation" spotting combined with nausea. Surely this time it had to be it!

Well, you know it wasn't. :) So this time, I'm telling myself: I AM getting my period on Friday.

It's just that there's a small, teeny tiny voice inside my head that won't be quiet...but haven't you had unusual heartburn this month? And mid-2WW cramping...like ovulation cramps maybe?

Sigh...well, I guess it ain't over till it's over!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

I'm Just a Stay at Home Wife

"So, what do you do?" the nurse asked me as I stood at the reception to schedule my next appointment.

I fumbled over my answer. "Well, um, uhh, I take a religious studies course online, and I do some part-time work from home."

"Oh, so you're just a stay at home wife then?"

Feeling as though I had to excuse myself for being just a stay at home wife, I answered in defense, "Yeah, well, I'm still waiting for my immigration to go through."

Just a stay at home wife, huh? I thought to myself as I waited for the receptionist. Funny how the valedictorian goes from being the top student to getting a Masters to becoming a teacher and then to becoming a...stay at home wife?

Funny how people only see what you are on the outside with no idea who you are on the inside.

He continued, "Where are you from?"

I'm thinking, duh, isn't it obvious? "I'm from the States."

"Oh, your accent is so good, that explains it."

Funny huh? How easy it is to judge from the external with no idea what lies beneath the surface...

So just because I have a scarf on my head I must be from a foreign country? Just because I'm not working 9-5 right now, I'm nothing more than a stay at home wife?

In a way this conversation mirrors my struggle with infertility, and I imagine many others face this struggle as well. People look at you from the outside and just make a quick judgment.

"Oh, so you don't have kids?" "When are you going to make us an aunt/uncle/grandparent?" "What are you waiting for?"

As though it's so simple to just up and have kids. I guess to them it was or is, but for us, it's just not. All the inquisitive minds have no idea of the pain and struggle that lies beneath the thinly-veiled veneer of polite responses that are replayed like a broken record to the questions that never end...

After all, who would ever be a housewife if she weren't staying at home for her kids? Who would want to stay at home for nothing, and be just a stay at home wife? (sarcasm)

Friday, April 18, 2008

Our Paths Split

We began separately
Wandering on our own
Navigating our way

He brought us together
By chance as it were
We opened our hearts
Shared our dreams
With each other

For the long road ahead
I finally had a companion
To laugh with
To cry with
To share with
To learn with
To obsess with
Over plans and strategies and symptoms

Then yesterday
Our paths split
She left me
She's moving on
While I'm still left behind

This month marks our one-year anniversary of officially TTC-ing. We didn't tell anyone at first, certain we'd be sharing good news soon. As the months wore on, we realized that perhaps good news was farther away than we had thought. Through this painful time, I had no one but my mom and husband to share the journey with, as my friends either already had children or weren't married. And as much as I love my family, sharing with them wasn't quite the same as sharing with a friend who really understood.

Through the will of God, I met one of my closest friends in September 07, and somehow, He allowed me to open up to her, and she opened up to me as well. We shared our stories, our challenges, and our hopes. Finally, we weren't alone anymore. We journeyed together, until yesterday, when I learned that she is pregnant.

I'm incredibly happy for her, with all my heart. Yet I can't help but feel alone once more.

Beginning...at Long Last


Wow, now that this is actually up, I'm feeling kinda nervous! What have I gotten myself into?? Do I really have anything worth saying to bother even putting it up on a blog?

Deep breath.

In answer to that question, I think I just might...

For so long I've wanted to share my voice, but the time never seemed right. Yesterday something happened that made me realize that now is the time...

(story of what happened to come soon :)