Monday, August 25, 2008

8 Days a Week

It's been an 8-day week for us, a whirlwind of 8 days which have brought so much change to our lives, yet have gone by so slowly as well. I feel as though I have experienced every minute of these 8 feels like far more than 8 days have gone past.

I took the advice of the majority of you and decided to not go in for the ultrasound today. My mom told me, if I were in Canada now, I wouldn't be having an u/s, so why bother getting an extra one today. I agreed. I called at 10am to cancel the appointment.

At 12:45pm (I happen to know the exact time because I was looking at the clock, waiting for my online class to start back up), I had a sudden very sharp pain in my lower stomach region. I ran to the bathroom, thinking that perhaps it was one of those crazy weirdo gas problems. As soon as I got there, the pain got even more intense, and I ran back out to lie on my bed. The pain was getting stronger and sharper, spreading from what I assumed was my uterus all the way up through my stomach, up to my chest. I could neither lie down nor sit up, nor could I find any sort of position that alleviated the pain. I writhed and moaned in pain for 15 minutes, praying to God to protect my baby and me, frightened to death about what could be happening. Was this the beginning signs of an ectopic? Was my body going through a miscarriage?

My parents (who are both physicians too, sure comes in handy :) said to see if I could go in for the u/s, and thankfully the original time slot was available. By the time of the u/s, the pain had significantly subsided into a dull ache.

The u/s tech said, "This is a Clomid pregnancy? Likely you had a nasty cyst." Apparently I had developed a large cyst (no way to know how large) that had ruptured - this was the cause of that unbearable pain. And the u/s showed that my cramping from last week was likely due to other smaller cysts that had ruptured. I have one more that is 3.5cm which we hope will just dissolve but could rupture - the tech said this one is much smaller than the one that ruptured today would have been.

At this point, honestly, I was so incredibly thankful that I wasn't having a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, that I didn't care about much else. But I am pregnant (ahhhh!!!), and I was having an u/s, so obviously we had to look at the uterus too.

And this is what we saw.

It's not a great picture, since it's a picture of a picture, and I forgot to turn the flash off...but I think it's still pretty clear. :)

So, like I said, it's been some 8 days for us. We are thrilled, but of course we are still very's incredibly early. One baby measured 4 weeks 5 days, and the other measured 4 weeks 4 days. It's still too early for a heartbeat, and the gestational sacs themselves are so small (about 2 mm) that the u/s tech couldn't see inside them.

Now we wait patiently for Sept. 18th - the 8 week u/s at the fertility clinic back home. I know anything can happen between now and then, and even after then, but I'm so incredibly thankful that so far all is going well, and we've been blessed by two babies, which we pray will stick with us for the next 9 months.

Again, I'm so touched by all your support and comments, especially in light of my inability to return any comments right now. I'm with my family now (who are spoiling me rotten!), and I likely won't be back online until I return home mid-September. In the meantime, I will miss reading your blogs, but I look forward to catching up with everyone when I get back. Thanks so much for your prayers, thoughts, and support. :)

Friday, August 22, 2008

Betas, Take Two

Beta hcg: 1968
at 17 DPO

Progesterone wasn't repeated because it was fine at the previous check.

The office said that they would now schedule me for an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy isn't ectopic - this is their routine procedure. But my fertility clinic said they don't do an u/s until 7-8 weeks. Everything I'm having done here is out of pocket...what do you guys think? Is this 5 week u/s necessary or a good idea? My parents are willing to pay for everything, but I think I'd rather save that money, as future baby expenses are suddenly closer than I had imagined!

I shock. As I did last Sunday morning, when that second line showed up. After the positive pee-stick, I was thrilled, but cautious. After Tuesday's betas, I was relieved, but still waiting.'s real! And I can hardly believe it...

I've spent so long learning how to get pregnant, that I pushed the idea of being pregnant far out of my mind. Yesterday I was asking DH to see if he could find the pregnancy workout DVDs I bought...last January - yes, January 2007. You see, in the beginning, I thought about pregnancy and labor and babies and raising kids all the time, because, of course, I was about to become a mom the day we started TTC-ing! When it didn't happen, and failure was repeatedly followed by failure, a year and a half later, I had completely pushed out all thoughts of pregnancy, let alone babies and child-rearing.

All this week, I've just kind of pretended like nothing was happening. I tried to avoid sushi, but then all my friends became suspicious, so I went with them anyway and had a cooked roll (then immediately felt guilty about the teeny, tiny, minute possiblity of cross-contamination). But other than that, unlike the old me, I haven't been reading and googling every single thing about pregnancy...because I just wasn't ready to believe until now.

I'm still cautious, because I know anything can happen, and the risk of miscarriage is still pretty high until 12 weeks, but I can no longer pretend like I'm not sure that I'm pregnant. Because for now, I am...that p word that I can't even imagine I'm saying in reference to me! I'm pregnant, thanks be to God.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Betas, Take One

Beta hcg: 657
Progesterone: 52.4
at 15 DPO

This is good, right? I'm not sure what's considered good...I think what's more important is that the numbers double every two days? I just had my second draws today, so we'll be able to see if the numbers are doubling properly or not tomorrow. I got to speak to the nurse as well, and she said cramping is very normal in early pregnancy, so I am breathing much easier now. I just got really nervous about it, because it kept feeling like I was about to get my period. But thank you all for putting my mind at ease, that this is indeed normal.

After tomorrow, I'll hopefully be able to relax even more. Thank you all for your support. :) Forgive me for not being able to visit each of your blogs; I hadn't planned to blog at all while at home, but then there was a turn of events, which I couldn't wait for a whole month to post. :)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Just Around the Corner

Yesterday my mom was driving me home from my eye appointment, since moms are cool and love to take care of you when you go home [well...mine does at least...but I know not everyone's may be cool like that :( ]. As we were turning into our subdivision, she said, "It's so interesting looking at the faces of people who are waiting to turn onto the main road...their faces are so stressed, they're just waiting for their turn and feeling stressed."

How true it is. We've all been waiting and waiting, waiting for our turn to get onto that road. While we wait, we wait in agony, we wait in the stress of the unknown. We don't know when our turn will come, and we don't know what's around the bend in the road when we do finally make our way onto it.

We are so very thankful to God for our BFP on Sunday morning...I've never had a positive HPT (heck, I even used to get excited about OPKs, since I'd never seen two lines on a peestick in my life!). Just getting a positive HPT is a huge breakthrough for us.

But I'm also nervous - I've been cramping since last week (which is why I was so sure I'd be getting my period on Sunday), and I'm out of Canada and have no insurance here. I don't know what's around the corner for me. I went in for my betas today and am anxiously waiting for the call from the doctor's office tomorrow (but not so anxiously waiting for my bill).

I'm overwhelmed by your comments and so grateful to all of you who have dropped by and congratulated us...I had no idea that many people were even reading me! Thank you so much for your support...please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we wait for the betas to come back tomorrow.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Blog Post That Finally Happened

25 OPKs + 10 HPTs value pack = $21.95

Pre-Seed Multi-use Tube + Pre Lube Tube = $33.98

5 day prescription of 100mg Clomid = $21.82

[all of the above just ordered, still shrink-wrapped and untouched]

Changing my flight to return at a later date = $350


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008

I'm still Alive, Thanks :)

In the two weeks since I last posted, I've had a million and one blog posts composed in my mind that never quite made it to being published (or even typed up). Things have been a little hectic; there's so much to say, and yet it's all a big jumble now. Under normal circumstances I would have been typing away through this whole time, so everything wouldn't be so confused and mixed up in my mind now.

So this will be an update post, an explanation of sorts for my absence.

Two weekends ago, I developed an eye infection that stubbornly refused to go away till a couple of days ago. I did my best to keep up with your posts, and I tried to comment, but when my eyes were hurting too much, I just stopped and marked all those posts in Google Reader as was a great sense of guilt accompanied by relief. :) So if I didn't make it around to commenting on your blog, please forgive me.

Now my eyes are better, from the infection at least, but I've been practically living at my in-laws the last few days getting ready for my SIL's engagement party tomorrow...leaving little time for blogging. Wish us luck that all goes well and my cooking is edible and appreciated.

Today my eyes hurt again, but that's because I've been drowning in tears, angry tears, sad tears, painful tears, tears that make no sense to me, all yesterday and today. I know it's all just the stupid Clomid, but the way it makes you feel is so painful, and that pain you feel is real. Previously I had been jumping back and forth from Jekyll to Hyde, but I feel like in the last few days I've been propelled downward into Hyde-ness - and it's not a pretty sight. I'm scared to even think of what next month's 100mg will turn me into.

Sunday I'm going home. Yay! An escape from being surrounded by babies and pregnant women and those insidious little comments and hints on when I may be joining their ranks. Unfortunately, though almost every single one of you advised me to go and stay my full three weeks, my guilt conscience couldn't let me skip the next I'm going for 10 days. Half as long as usual, but better than nothing.

I probably will not be able to blog or even read your blogs while I'm gone, as I do not want to be "discovered" while at home. :) So it'll be another long absence, in which you all will be missed. I'll do my best to catch up when I return - "see" you when I get back! :)

Friday, August 1, 2008

One Word Meme - Post #50!

Tagged by Echloe. I like these nice, short memes. :)
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others.

1. Where is your cell phone? None
2. Your significant other? DH
3. Your hair? Long
4. Your mother? Awesome
5. Your father? Phenomenal
6. Your favorite thing? Chocolate
7. Your dream last night? Weird
8. Your favorite drink? Water
9. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
10. The room you're in? Dining
11. Your hobby? Sewing
12. Your fear? Childlessness
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? USA
14. What you're not? Mean
15. Muffins? Bran
16. One of your wish list items? WiiFit
17. Where you grew up? South
18. The last thing you did? Prayed
19. What are you wearing? PJs
20. Favorite Gadget? MagicBullet
21. Your pet? None
22. Your computer? Dying
23. Your mood? Hormonal
24. Missing someone? Family
25. Your car? None
26. Something you are not wearing? Contacts
27. Favorite Store? Kohls
28. Like someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Monday

Tagging Mandy, Bobby, Gibson Twins, and My Infertility Diaries.