A White Halloween?

I thought that only in Canada could it snow before Halloween...but Jess and Sarah got snow today too! I fully agree with Sarah...why in the world is it snowing already?? I'm already popping out of my winter coat, but I was hoping I would have had a little longer till I had to go buy a new one. While I do enjoy the magic of the first snow, I hate winter in general. I used to hate winter when I lived in the South too, but that type of weather is actually known as fall here! So you can imagine how not so thrilled I am that winter has gotten a nice head start already.

I'm very slowly catching up on my blog reading and commenting...I apologize if I haven't dropped by your blog in a long time. While I am thankfully feeling significantly better than before, I still have yucky moments and am generally tired most of the time. But I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I've been eating real foods, which is thrilling. I still can't stand any ethnic food (which wouldn't matter if we weren't "ethnic" ourselves :), but I am tolerating blander, less spicy foods pretty well. And I'm finally on the positive side for weight gain! I'm now at +1 lbs - I finally regained the weight I had lost early on. All the books suggest that weight gain prior to 20 weeks for a twin pregnancy is what's most important...so I have 6 weeks in which to try to gain a lot of weight. :)

Could It Be...2nd Trimester??

Today, something amazing happened.

I cooked.

From scratch.

With raw meat!

I am still in shock. And that better be the best chicken pot pie ever, because I will be sorely disappointed if it's not after all the effort I put into it.

I haven't cooked in three months. Not real cooking anyway. No desire to eat, combined with newly found olfactory abilities that could rival a search dogs, combined with persistent back-pain and general not-feeling-well led to...DH cooking. If it can be called that (if you're reading this, I love you and appreciate all your efforts btw!!). Actually, for the most part, we've been getting take out and eating ready-made type foods.

I've been going through a "food of the week" phenomenon...each week there's something that I like and can tolerate, and it's the only thing I can stomach. I eat it for about a week, and then, without warning, suddenly it becomes as disgusting as everything else. Early on while I was still visiting my family, it was baked potatoes. But only baked potatoes from Wendy's. I was happy, because there's a Wendy's not far from our place. Except that by the time I got back to Canada, I couldn't stand them anymore. Then it was pizza, but that only lasted for a few days. I can't remember the weeks after that...who knows what I was eating then. A couple of weeks ago it was pizza buns/frozen pizza pockets. Last week it was Kraft macaroni and cheese. Yes, it's been a very healthy pregnancy so far.

This week, I thought the food of the week might be pierogies...but I got incredibly bloated after the first time I had them, so I guess that's not happening.

And today, miraculously, I wanted real food! Not just carbs that come out of a cardboard box or the freezer.

I somehow managed to defrost, cut, and cook the chicken without ever touching it. Impressive, I know.

I'm wondering...could this be the dawn of the 2nd trimester?? I have been praying for some reprieve from my aversion to food and crazy eating habits. I sincerely hope it's coming, along with my pot pie!

Still Infertile

I'm a bad girl. And a mean person.

I'm so glad DH is not home so I can write this and get it off my mind in peace.

Today DH and a few of his good friends got together for lunch. You know how you have circles of friends, or different sets of friends? This is one of our sets of friends, and while the guys are close, I'm not especially close to their wives.

So he calls me, on his way to pick me up (since I'm out with a different group of friends, ie, not the wives of these guys), and says guess what, I have good news. And I knew what that meant. Since they're all married. Obviously the next good news is baby.

So this girl is due about a week before me. And I'm...I don't even know what. I can't even express how I felt when I heard the news. What is wrong with me?? I forced myself to call her as soon as I got home and left a fakely happy voice mail for her. I'm dreading the conversation in which I have to commiserate with pregnancy symptoms and be over-excited with her.

I'm obviously happy for them, because I have nothing against them, and they're generally nice people. Okay fine. DH and her husband are good friends, but I could never quite hit it off with her. I usually get along with everybody, ie, I have no trouble getting along with anyone. She just comes off as kind of snobby, and that's a little hard for me to deal with. But I don't have any real issues or anything, because, I just don't have issues with people.

So ya, at a logical level I'm happy for them, because, well, that is the normal reaction.

But it's like, I'm annoyed. Almost angry. Why can she just up and get pregnant so easily? She's younger than me and has been married half as long as I have. And now they're sharing u/s videos on cell phones - that's how her husband broke the news. And being excited and announcing their good news to everyone. And taking childbirth classes. And openly complaining about morning sickness.

DH says, now you can share all your pregnancy stuff with her, since our due dates are so close. And I'm thinking, I don't want to share anything with her! How can she possibly understand how I feel about this pregnancy? How can she relate to all those months and months that have shaped and contributed to who I am now and what this pregnancy means to me?

Why is it so easy for everyone else? Not everyone else, because I know you guys understand, and it hasn't been easy for many of you. But it's so easy for those people to get pregnant and plan it and have it happen whenever they want, while we go through month after month of disappointment. Then they can share their news and be excited, while even after we do get pregnant, we sit here deathly afraid of miscarriage, or pre-term labor, or pre-e, or a million other things. I'm too afraid to let anyone know I'm pregnant for fear of all those what ifs.

Once infertile, always infertile, huh? I've heard so many other IF-ers say that it doesn't change after you get pregnant. I still feel completely out of place and like I don't belong with all those other pregnant people.

1st Trip to ER + 1st OB Appt

I'm sorry I've been such a bad blogger. :(
You guys are the best, and I am in tears over your concern and sweet comments.

The summary version of this is, everything is fine. Babies are fine and so am I. Both trips were uneventful and boring, which is a good thing. I still feel sick/tired/back pain and the latest symptom of headaches, so it's been hard to sit at the computer to blog after having been in class all day too.

The long version:

After the super pain of Thursday continued into Friday, I tried to reach the OB's office all day, couldn't get through. Called the fertility clinic out of desperation, they said to go to the ER. So we packed up and went to the ER for our Friday date night. :)

Blood tests, urine tests, physical exam, all looked fine. No cause or reason found for the pains at all. We got to see the babies on an u/s, and we saw their heartbeats looked fine, and that is all I needed to know to be able to breathe easier. DH was also relieved, but he seems to be more impacted by the fact that one of the babies "was like, doing BACKFLIPS!" :)

I did nothing all weekend long, and the cramping went down considerably. Monday I had my first OB appointment. Thankfully, I had read a bunch of reviews of this doctor online, so I was prepared. As my family doctor (whose daughter-in-law had the same OB said) said, "great doctor, but she has no personality." I made sure I had all my questions answered, but it was definitely a very cut and dry appointment, and later I realized, she didn't actually tell me anything of her own accord - any information I got out of the appointment was from my own questions. So I'm not thrilled with her, but everyone says she's a good doctor, and I'm not sure if I have any choice, to be honest. I feel strongly about seeing a female physician, and she's the only high-risk female OB that the fertility clinic recommended. The clinic said I don't need to start with a high-risk OB, but I might need to switch to one, so I might as well just get started with her.

One thing I am slightly concerned about is the huge number of u/s. I know most people are thrilled to see their babies, and trust me, I am too, but I've already had 4 u/s, and the OB said I will have one at every appt, which is every 3 weeks! It's still a form of radiation, isn't it? It just seems like it's overkill.

Other than that, all is well. Cramping is pretty much gone, and that is a big relief. I'm using heat for my back and starting prenatal yoga tomorrow, so hopefully both will help. I've had a bad headache every single evening, and I never get headaches, but I know it's because I had to cram in a lot of studying all at once since I did nothing all weekend. So hopefully this subsides on its own.

I've had so many blog posts in my mind, because while it may seem like I am consumed with nausea, vomiting, running to the bathroom, sleeping, and pain, I do have a lot more going through my mind right now...:) It's just that all of the above are making it hard to sit down at the computer and reflect.

I hope you all are doing well. I will slowly try to catch up with everyone this weekend. Thanks for being so awesome, as always. : )

Scared

Hello blogging friends. I'm still alive. Just exhausted. And sick. And overwhelmed.

So many thoughts have been going through my mind that they've all ended up jumbled up together, in an un-bloggable state. Too mixed up and messy to sort through and make coherent.

Today things are pretty straightforward and clear though. I'm scared.

I've been having lower back pain for the last few weeks, brought on by sleeping inclined to try to reduce the pain of acid reflux and awful nausea upon waking up. I had been applying a hot water bag to my back, mentioned it in passing at a gathering to my only IRL friend who knows I'm pregnant, who looked at me with big eyes and mouthed, "NO." This was on Monday night.

So no heat therapy on Monday or Tuesday, was out for 12+ hours on Tuesday, first time did something like that after knowing I'm pregnant, huge mistake. In crippling pain on Wednesday, google what to do for back pain, resort to heating pad again. Go out for about 3 hours last night, thinking all is well. Return home, joined by the return of the severe pain.

This morning the pain was back in its severe form, this time accompanied by occasional sharp pains on both sides of my lower abdomen. Passed it off to gas/bloating/constipation due to my poor eating habits of late. During my usual morning blog perusal, somehow stumble upon an article that lists three signs of miscarriage: bleeding (which I have had none of), uterine cramps, lower back pain.

Well, as it was, after my friend said her doctor said no heat for pain whatsoever, I had already been panicking about how I must have hurt my babies, but after today, I was sure. I'm trying to be positive. But I'm scared now and don't know what to do. I called the OB's office (I haven't been there yet, first appointment is next Monday), but no one answered. The fertility clinic closes early, so there was no point calling them.

The back pain is literally crippling...as in without heat, I can hardly move. I do have a previous history of back issues, so it's not really a surprise, but it is odd that it hasn't gone away with a change in sleeping position and heat therapy for about 3 weeks.

I'm scared. I know I have to place my trust in God, and I do, but I'm still scared and can't stop thinking about what if my babies aren't ok??