I'm a bad girl. And a mean person.
I'm so glad DH is not home so I can write this and get it off my mind in peace.
Today DH and a few of his good friends got together for lunch. You know how you have circles of friends, or different sets of friends? This is one of our sets of friends, and while the guys are close, I'm not especially close to their wives.
So he calls me, on his way to pick me up (since I'm out with a different group of friends, ie, not the wives of these guys), and says guess what, I have good news. And I knew what that meant. Since they're all married. Obviously the next good news is baby.
So this girl is due about a week before me. And I'm...I don't even know what. I can't even express how I felt when I heard the news. What is wrong with me?? I forced myself to call her as soon as I got home and left a fakely happy voice mail for her. I'm dreading the conversation in which I have to commiserate with pregnancy symptoms and be over-excited with her.
I'm obviously happy for them, because I have nothing against them, and they're generally nice people. Okay fine. DH and her husband are good friends, but I could never quite hit it off with her. I usually get along with everybody, ie, I have no trouble getting along with anyone. She just comes off as kind of snobby, and that's a little hard for me to deal with. But I don't have any real issues or anything, because, I just don't have issues with people.
So ya, at a logical level I'm happy for them, because, well, that is the normal reaction.
But it's like, I'm annoyed. Almost angry. Why can she just up and get pregnant so easily? She's younger than me and has been married half as long as I have. And now they're sharing u/s videos on cell phones - that's how her husband broke the news. And being excited and announcing their good news to everyone. And taking childbirth classes. And openly complaining about morning sickness.
DH says, now you can share all your pregnancy stuff with her, since our due dates are so close. And I'm thinking, I don't want to share anything with her! How can she possibly understand how I feel about this pregnancy? How can she relate to all those months and months that have shaped and contributed to who I am now and what this pregnancy means to me?
Why is it so easy for everyone else? Not everyone else, because I know you guys understand, and it hasn't been easy for many of you. But it's so easy for those people to get pregnant and plan it and have it happen whenever they want, while we go through month after month of disappointment. Then they can share their news and be excited, while even after we do get pregnant, we sit here deathly afraid of miscarriage, or pre-term labor, or pre-e, or a million other things. I'm too afraid to let anyone know I'm pregnant for fear of all those what ifs.
Once infertile, always infertile, huh? I've heard so many other IF-ers say that it doesn't change after you get pregnant. I still feel completely out of place and like I don't belong with all those other pregnant people.