Saturday, October 11, 2008

Still Infertile

I'm a bad girl. And a mean person.

I'm so glad DH is not home so I can write this and get it off my mind in peace.

Today DH and a few of his good friends got together for lunch. You know how you have circles of friends, or different sets of friends? This is one of our sets of friends, and while the guys are close, I'm not especially close to their wives.

So he calls me, on his way to pick me up (since I'm out with a different group of friends, ie, not the wives of these guys), and says guess what, I have good news. And I knew what that meant. Since they're all married. Obviously the next good news is baby.

So this girl is due about a week before me. And I'm...I don't even know what. I can't even express how I felt when I heard the news. What is wrong with me?? I forced myself to call her as soon as I got home and left a fakely happy voice mail for her. I'm dreading the conversation in which I have to commiserate with pregnancy symptoms and be over-excited with her.

I'm obviously happy for them, because I have nothing against them, and they're generally nice people. Okay fine. DH and her husband are good friends, but I could never quite hit it off with her. I usually get along with everybody, ie, I have no trouble getting along with anyone. She just comes off as kind of snobby, and that's a little hard for me to deal with. But I don't have any real issues or anything, because, I just don't have issues with people.

So ya, at a logical level I'm happy for them, because, well, that is the normal reaction.

But it's like, I'm annoyed. Almost angry. Why can she just up and get pregnant so easily? She's younger than me and has been married half as long as I have. And now they're sharing u/s videos on cell phones - that's how her husband broke the news. And being excited and announcing their good news to everyone. And taking childbirth classes. And openly complaining about morning sickness.

DH says, now you can share all your pregnancy stuff with her, since our due dates are so close. And I'm thinking, I don't want to share anything with her! How can she possibly understand how I feel about this pregnancy? How can she relate to all those months and months that have shaped and contributed to who I am now and what this pregnancy means to me?

Why is it so easy for everyone else? Not everyone else, because I know you guys understand, and it hasn't been easy for many of you. But it's so easy for those people to get pregnant and plan it and have it happen whenever they want, while we go through month after month of disappointment. Then they can share their news and be excited, while even after we do get pregnant, we sit here deathly afraid of miscarriage, or pre-term labor, or pre-e, or a million other things. I'm too afraid to let anyone know I'm pregnant for fear of all those what ifs.

Once infertile, always infertile, huh? I've heard so many other IF-ers say that it doesn't change after you get pregnant. I still feel completely out of place and like I don't belong with all those other pregnant people.

25 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

FWIW, I'm happy when anyone who wants to be pregnant gets pregnant. When it has been a struggle, well, that's a day of jubilee, a grand celebration. . .

I understand. I do.

Kymberli said...

This post is timely. I'm working on a similar post about an experience I had yesterday. I just had a similar conversation with my intended mother last night how even after you've come through to the other side, certain reactions and feelings of infertility are still hardwired into the fiber of your being. I still get a bit twitchy around pregnancies which seem to be easily achieved.

I get how you feel completely.

Sarah said...

I think everything you're feeling is perfectly normal.
Dont be so hard on yourself. You are NOT a bad person by ANY stretch of the word!!

Anonymous said...

Infertility hurts even after you become pregnant and have the baby. It took us 6 years for our 1st pregnancy. My life revolved around infertility and my emotions were so caught up in it. People who easily become pregnant do not understand how we feel--how can they? Our family is complete now(mixed with adopted and natural babies) but I read the blogs here and still feel the pain. When I was pregnant for the 1st time and we had also had our daughter thru adoption, I took her to a play date with with another adopted child. I knew it hurt the mom to see my pregnant belly and she never called me again to get together but I understood her pain. Don't feel you are bad. You never get over it.

Mandy said...

I totally know how you feel. I have told family and some friends, but still don't really want to talk about it. Those fears don't go away. I am past the 12 wk mark and still scared to death something bad will happen. Know that you are not alone in how you feel. I am genuinely happy for people that pregnant, but that doesn't mean that I am not jealous as hell that it was that easy. But I have also come to the realization that there are people out there that have tried for long periods of time and didn't have success, and when it does happen celebrate a little louder. And the scarey thing is maybe we don't know that they have been through some of the same pain, just never talked about it. In my journey, I have met a lot of people since I have been pregnant that stuggled, but never talked about it. I wish they had, maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone.

kirke said...

It's like we never get to be done with worrying. I understand entirely what you mean.

midlife mommy said...

Everything you said is all true. And I don't think that I really felt that I was going to bring home a baby until I was eight months pregnant. So, I let myself miss a lot of joy.

I wish you a joy-filled pregnancy. I really, really do. And as for this other person? If she has a brain in her head, she will have the same worries that you do.

☆ Loren ☆ said...

Infertility is a path that only the strong can travel.
We must keep our faith and remember that God believes we are strong enough to travel down this rocky uneven winding path in which we call "infertility".

My prayers continue to stay with you and the babies!!

Gibson Twins said...

I think the way you are feeling is normal. I remember having almost the identical situation when I was pregnant. A girl I worked with was due just 2-3 weeks before me and it got to me so bad that I was like "yeah well I'll deliver first because I'm having twins" or mean stuff like that. And I was always so happy to have attention because it was "twins" versus a "singleton", though looking back I was pretty self centered and immature anyways. This just fueled my fire.

Just Me. said...

Yes, I think once an infertile always an infertile. I thought about joining a mum's group cuz I am really all alone in a new country with no family help and not knowing how it works here. But then I thought, can I take it with soooo many of them together at once? All of them, seriously? Talking about how long it's taken them to get pg (3mths?/4mths?/5mths?) and then I get so consumed with jealousy and then I hear more, OH, THIS WAS A SURPRISE. WE WANTED TO STOP AT TWO?

Babes says that they don't mean to cuz they don't know how we would feel. And he reckons that I have to let go of the emotions that I lived through with infertility.

But how can I?

ps I haven't told all of our friends/family members that I'm pg either. I'm just as afraid of a pre-whatsoever.

Leslie Laine said...

I really love the honesty of this post. I also really appreciate your feelings. Although I'm not pregnant, I suspect I will wrestle with the same emotions you wrote about, and it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone.

I have struggled with a good friend of mine who got pregnant after two IVF cycles. She thinks the reason I've struggled with our relationship is because she's pregnant. She doesn't understand that the real reason I struggle is because she seems to have forgotten completely (I think she's repressed it) what it was like to go through this IF experience. This has been extremely unfortunat given that she was in such a great position to support me through this difficult time, and for some reason, she just couldn't. Maybe she didn't want to look "backward", I don't know.

I appreciate your feelings, and I don't think you should apologize. You are finally where you wanted to be in this whole thing, and you have the right to handle it however you want to. You have your babies to think about now, and you have to do what's best for you in order to protect them. I think that if being around anyone through this makes you uncomfortable, it's your right to set the limit.

I'm thinking about you - keep us posted about how you're doing. And, thanks again for being so honest about something that is kind of hard to be honest about.

l.l.

~Jess said...

I would be right there with you. It's hard to be happy for others, not because you aren't happy for them, but because your happiness is tainted by your own experiences. For me it would be that much harder if she was kind of a snob and not someone I would generally get along with .

*hugs*

Brandi Tejeda said...

I have never had to deal with infertility...so when I say I understand how you feel, you may not believe me. ;) I just think that if I was in your shoes, I would feel the same way. I dont think you are mean..not even close. And if the wife of your dh's friend doesnt get that...she is mean. Although every pregnancy and every new baby is a gift and a miracle, your pregnancy and those of women who struggle with infertility have a certain...bonus. My heart just jumps with joy when I think of your pregnancy. And I dont even know you! I know plenty of women in my IRL circle who are pregnant right now, and yes I am happy for them..but with you its different.
Let me stop rambling. Really though, I dont think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. (((HUGS))))

Amanda said...

I have a post so similar to this one about someone who got pregnant right after I did...3 child...unplanned...had just quit breastfeeding her second child. Ugh.

I hope and pray that things get easier for you and that at least some of your own fears are aleviated. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and your honesty. I like to read it because I have had no problems with infertility and have no idea what it is like to go through that. I have had family and friends that struggled with infertility and stood by while I had my three children. Just know that the feelings of guilt for those of us that don't struggle through it are real. Your honesty is so good, because I think if we all voiced these feelings of guilt and resentment, we could share in each others joys a little better.
PS I love your blog.

RM said...

So true! Did you read Samantha's recent post at Southern Infertility? Seems like us pregnant IFers are getting the same feelings lately...

I don't blame those people for their good fortune, but I don't feel like I can relate to them or their pregnancies either. That's why we have each other in the blogoshere to talk to, even once we are finally pregnant. xox

Andrea said...

Thank you for being so honest. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. How having so many road blocks along the way has changed my life forever and how I'll never view pregnancy the same again. Even after I get pregnant, my experiences so far won't easily be forgotten. I love hearing your point of view and I have a feeling that I will have similar reactions in the future if I get pregnant.

Echloe said...

This post made me sad because I really wanted to be over this crap once I get pregnant. But I know I'll be like you.

I hope it gets a little better for you. But I understand how it just can't be all sunshine and roses after what you've been through to get to this point.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a second.

It's hard to not be jealous of people who don't have a hard time. I'm guilty of it too. So and so's been married a year and now their expecting... They don't understand and seem so insensitive because "oops, it just happened." One thing we cannot do, is get upset at their ignorance. How can we wish what we experienced on anyone? Many of us would glad trade places with them and have never experienced IF at all.

That said, I'm not sure if you ever get over the infertility. The worries, the fears, etc. I pray that you will get a chance to enjoy being pregnant without the worry.

***HUGS***

alicia said...

I had the EXACT same thing happen to me! We have friends, that were Keith friends and now my friends because of marriage and jazz. They are great people, I like them. They got pregnant the same month we started trying. Their daughter is now 16 months old. They got pregannt with their second the same month we got pregnant. I was overwhelmed when I heard the news. I said first of all thank freakin God I was pregnant when she told me, or I may have just died. But I am happy for them, but at the same time, frustrated, angry, hurt...I don't know. She won't be able to understand, just like your friend won't. It does feel like not being in the pregnant club with all the other pregnant girls.

The O'Brien's said...

I just posted on a fertility forum, something very similar to your feelings. I completely understand, you're not alone in this.

Anonymous said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. There's a reason you don't consider some of those women your close friends and that's why you don't feel good about it. Listen to your gut and don't stress if you don't get happy feel-good vibes. Celebrate the successes and lives of your good friends and don't worry about the rest. Congratulations and best wishes to you!

Annie said...

Something I think going through miscarriage has made me a mean person. I think horrible thoughts about people sometimes, mostly born out of jealousy, jealousy when they get to have carefree joyful pregnancies (which somehow always leads to lots of complaining about every little symptom).

I have one 2 year old son and have lost 3 babies. I can definitely attest to the fact that it still hurts. I still feel like there is something that separates me from the other moms. When I find someone who understands, it's like finding an old friend. We get it, we don't even have to say anything, we just get it. Having someone like that helps me get through that.

Kristin said...

I really do understand. {{{Hugs}}}

The Petersons said...

I just wanted to let you know that you are the success story that I hope to have. I have currently been TTC for 13 months, 16 cycles. I just got diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" after all of our tests came back normal this past week. I started my first round of Clomid on Tuesday and have a really high chance of conceiving twins (according to my own research). I would be thrilled, although I'd be excited for just one baby at this point. I wish you all of the best in the rest of your pregnancy and hope that I will be able to write the same things in my blog in the upcoming months. :-)