Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Little Things

All day long I was craving veggie lasagna...out of the blue, no reason, but I really wanted it. Of course I had no lasagna noodles, but the beauty of having a friend who lives downstairs dawned on me, so I went and got some noodles from her. After dinner, I returned the leftover noodles and shared some of the lasagna.

DH was on the phone then, so I didn't call before I went down, I just went and knocked on her door. It was kind of late, so she was in her robe, and for the first time, she looked really pregnant. She's due in two months, so it's no surprise. She just looked like a really cute pregnant lady, round all over and waddling, with a nice, big belly.

Sometimes it's the little things that hurt, that sting like a paper cut...so small, but hurts like anything. Last night I was sitting and thinking about how I had pictured my life...I always imagined I'd have four or five kids. My friend downstairs...that was supposed to be me, but by now, I was supposed to be on #3. It dawned on me last night that if I ever do have a baby, that doesn't mean I'll be able to have several more, like I always dreamed I would. I'll never be trying to time births 2.5 years apart. I'll be lucky and blessed to even be able to give birth and have one baby, let alone five.

At this point in the game, I'll be grateful for one. But sometimes little things bring the old dreams back, and it's hard to realize that I have to let go of them.

14 comments:

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

I know what you mean...little things like this just grips me sometimes... just today i saw that Jessica Alba had given birth..really? thought the last I heard she was just like a few months pregnant..has 9months passed that fast? 9 months and yet I am here, still waiting...

i had that sharp pain feeling today when my best friend called me..she's pregnant with her 2nd child and i find it very very hard to deal with her pregnancy.

big hugs...you're not alone..

Elisabeth said...

Those moments when the pain of IF strikes unexpectedly and hard often strike me, too- which makes me wonder if they ever go away. I think we all get pretty good at smiling and acting as though nothing is wrong... so it seems even more important to be able to share the sadness and anger with others who can relate.

It hurts like hell when some of your most dearly-held dreams are put in jeopardy. It stings even more when the rest of the world seems to rub it in your face with their apparent effortless fertility.

Jill said...

I know what you mean. Sometimes things like that don't even phase me, but sometimes it's like a big slap in the face and I have to retreat to my desk or the bathroom and regroup before I fall apart.

Sometimes the little things hurt more than the big things.

Deb said...

Oh guys, my heart breaks for you all. If there was anything - ANYTHING - I could for y'all, god that soundes so trite. But I do mean it. Big hugs to all of you and try not to give up "hope".

Kim said...

Little things are hard. It is so hard to let go of dreams, even if new ones are added. I hope your dreams come true soon! NCLM

sara said...

I'm glad you got your lasagna, but I'm sorry you had to see something that made you feel sad. Sending you some good thoughts instead :-)

Lee said...

Sending comforting thoughts and a warm drink in your direction.

(Or was that comforting drinks and warm thoughts?)

Lost in Space said...

It sucks how much IF changes our hopes and dreams - from dreaming of lots of kids to just begging/pleading that we can at least have 1. It often creeps in when we least expect it to - a phrase, a look, a picture - little things that remind of us so much more. Huge (hugs).

Dreams Come True said...

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. Hearing about pregnancies, happening all over the place, makes my heart hurt.

Sending along very big virtual hugs.

Cibele said...

I know what you mean, and I felt like that once.. now I have my baby and took me almost 3 years... don't loose your hope my dear, your dream is still possible
Hugs

Kelly D said...

So far your test results are good, try to stay positive. This is an emotional journey - there is no doubt about that - and it will be the little things that get you when you least expect it.

Here from NCLM.

PJ said...

Thanks for your comment earlier!

I'm 35 and I was never in a big rush to get pregnant, in fact I was sort of afraid to get pregnant for a long time. But now that the clock is ticking fast, I am so ready. I'm also thinking that with IVF we have a good chance of multiples, and I think I'd actually be OK with that.

Once they find a diagnosis, most ART treatments entail a chance of multiples. I've only been blogging since February and I've had several of my bloggy friends conceive with multi's. Just sayin'. Maybe it won't be five, but don't rule out the chances of a few. You've got time. :)

DC said...

Sending LOTS of hugs your way. Being around pregnant women is really hard for me too. And I can't seem to get away from them. Grrr.

I just realized you're not on my blogroll. Adding you now. :)

hopeful #1 said...

I'm right there with ya... today sucks.