Imaginations

Growing up, I was one of those rare children who loved long plane or car rides. Even till today, I find myself sad when the journey is close to ending, when it's almost time to land or get out of the car...it's like the end of a dream world and entrance back to reality.

Imaginations...those lovely daydreams about your perfect future that you indulge in when you should be working or listening to your professor. Hence why I loved those long rides above the clouds or staring at endless trees and mountains...as long as the clouds and trees and mountains kept going, so could my imaginations, without being cut short by a deadline or question from the prof.

Early on, the imaginations were about the perfect husband I would meet someday, how he would romance me off my feet, and my perfect married life. Then, as time passed, and the perfect husband became a reality (note: while I do love my DH dearly and we have an amazing marriage, let's be real here - he is not the incarnation of those imaginations, he's just the IRL version of them :)), the imaginations moved on to what would naturally seem to be the next step...children.

My imaginations aren't long drawn-out fantasies or anything like that - they're more like snippets, peek-holes into the perfected version of the life I should be living. They're almost involuntary...in the middle of class, I'll find myself imaging calling up the clinic to say I have to reschedule my HSG because I didn't get my period yet, and then going in to the clinic and finding out I'm pregnant so I don't need the HSG after all...or announcing to my childbirth class at our reunion party next weekend that I'm finally going to be able to put into practice what everyone else already is because now I'm pregnant too...or calling my mom and telling her that all her prayers have finally been answered...or putting a pregnancy ticker on DH's computer to surprise him with the good news...and on and on...

They're like lovely little short video clips of what's supposed to be happening, which are great fun to indulge in, but the fun only lasts as long as the movie's on. And now, I wish I could just turn the mental movie player off. Because how long can you keep dreaming the same dream, only to have it not be fulfilled, again and again?

I just feel silly for allowing myself to indulge in false hopes again and again, only to keep meeting AF and being disappointed again and again, month after month. But what to do? The imaginations won't go away...AF only keeps them at bay for a week or so, and new imaginations begin afresh each month...